Why I'm not a planner

Days like today are the reason I'm not a planner.

So I helped a friend move today, and to do so I borrowed my dad's pickup truck and my uncle's trailer and brought them back to Des Moines. It's an older trailer but we checked over it before we left. I'm just gona say right now, I don't like pulling a bumper-hitch car trailer on the interstate in the wind anymore. It likes to pull around a lot.
Anyway, so we blew a tire on the interstate. Not really a big deal, but it was going to take longer to get back to Josh's house than we thought originally. I called my uncle and he set me up with a place to run and get a new tire, so we limped the rest of the way to DM and dropped the trailer off at his place, then I ran and got the new tire, filled up with fuel, bought a car charger for my phone, and got the new tire put on the rim. Came back to Josh's, slapped the new tire on the trailer, good to go, no big deal, let's start loading stuff now.

Did I mention I work nights? I'm not exactly a high energy person, but on days like this, I guess I just get in go mode. It's about 2 in the afternoon by now, so I'm getting antsy to get things loaded up so we wouldn't run out of daylight and I might be able to sleep a little bit before work tonight. We closed up the trailer a couple hours later, couple last minute things, grab a Mt. Dew yes please, and pull out. It's 4 o'clock in Iowa, starting to look somewhat duskish, and the traffic on the interstate is starting to pick up a lot. We pull out onto said interstate and about half a mile later I look in the mirror and realize that my brand new tire is smoking. Pull over and inspect the problem? Oh snap, the new tire is wider than the old one; it's rubbing the sidewall on the wheel well.

God's hand of providence showed through quite a number of different times and ways today. It was a busy interstate at the beginning of rush hour, but we happened to discover our smoking rubber just in time to pull over onto part of the mixmaster that had a super wide flat of concrete, making it about the easiest place to change a tire around. I was going to wait to fuel the truck til we got back closer to home, but the Lord apparently knew I'd need that extra bit to run the second time up to the tire place and grab a new new tire. Which also was a sovereignly planned escapade---I got to the warehouse about 4:45 and was able to get to the shop to get the tire mounted on the rim a second time within minutes of closing. It was 5 on a Friday; you tell me the odds of somewhere else being open.

The rest of the trip was uneventful enough. We got to the new house, got the trailer unloaded, I got the truck and trailer back to Dad and was able to get back home again in time for work tonight. And yes, the answer is willpower and caffeine.

All that to make a point. There seem to be people on either side of the pendulum when it comes to how rigid their structure is. Some have no structure, no plan, no goal, and seem to completely let life happen to them. Some plan their day down to the minute and when something comes up that messes with their plan, it throws them off their groove and they get angry or flustered. These are the people I'm talking about.

I made a general goal today, that I would help Josh get moved. And to accomplish that, of course there were some logical steps along the way. I call it a skeleton plan. Got some basic structure, but it's flexible. Some people make their plan out of legos, and legos don't flex. You can drive a tank over those things. Except when your structure is so rigid, when it does have to flex, that doesn't work very well. My parents taught me to roll with the punches. Today was fun, to be perfectly honest. I've learned to enjoy the chaos, or rather finding solutions in the middle of the chaos.  I found a tire place I didn't know existed before today. I met a couple of guys in a mom-n-pop auto shop that I likely never would have met otherwise. I found out exactly how much torque my dad's truck has when you have to punch it hard to pull onto the interstate :)

This isn't a long post, nor is it meant to be particularly deep. It's just one of my ovbservations I want to share with you. Perhaps you could learn to be a bit more flexible if you need to be. When things happen to you that you're not expecting, don't get bogged down in the fact that your plan is falling apart. You can still accomplish what you need to, but maybe you'll have to find a different course. Roll with the punches, my friends.

12 Years A Slave

I watched the movie "12 Years A Slave" tonight, and I'm not gona lie, it was I think the second movie I've ever seen to make me cry. Or at least bring tears to my eyes--don't judge. The other one was Tears Of The Sun, and I realized in the last couple hours in thinking about them that they both have to do with suffering and a total lack of justice for people. Tears Of The Sun has to do with genocide and guerilla warfare, and 12 Years A Slave, well, the title is pretty self explanatory. 

A free black man is kidnapped and sent down to the South where slavery is still very much in vogue. While there, he endures some of the horrors of slavery stemming from having very cruel masters, including watching other slaves be hanged and being forced to lash another slave with a bull whip under the master's close eye. He does his best to stave off despair, and finally, after 12 years, he is rescued and returned to the North and to his family and home. 

It's based off a true story, and though all the details of the man's life are not known, he wrote a book about his experience and was highly active in the war against slavery. But what really got me thinking for the last few hours is how Paul refers to himself in the greeting in many of his letters, namely a slave of Jesus Christ. (The word sometimes translated bondservant is DOULOS which is actually a straight up slave) Think about it with me---Paul's identity is completely interwoven and meshed and melded together with the idea that he is in total servitude to Christ. 
So the master had the right to do literally anything he chose to do with his property. There weren't the laws regarding the ethical treatment of slaves; OSHA wasn't around to protect the working force. Although if I remember correctly, animals actually had more legal protective rights than slaves, at least at some point during the time period. But the master had the right to kill, torture, or anywise beat and discipline a slave he thought to be insubordinate. There were laws that went that direction--woe to the slave who thought to raise a hand against his master, even if said master was strikingly cruel.

But my point is this: God owns us. When we accept him into our hearts and lives as our Savior and Lord, he become our master and we become his slaves, willingly. Which is why the term "bondservant" is sometimes used, to commemorate the willingness with which we place his foot upon our necks. I think of Friday in Robinson Crusoe, who takes the man's foot and places it on the back of his bowed neck. We willingly give our freedom to the one who saved us from death and damnation. 

And the super incredible part? Wait for it ... ... ... he gives us our freedom back! He gives us, our freedom, back to us. But not only that; remember the verse in Galatians 5:4? He redeemed us, that he might give us adoption AS SONS. 
There was a bible translation I heard about awhile ago that tried to be politically correct when it came to biblical terminology, and so they translated this verse "adoption as children," which is still awesome enough in and of itself, but thinking historically, remember that the sons were given the inheritance. So male, female, it doesn't matter, as a child of God, you have been given the inheritance along with Christ as sons. 

Unfathomable grace. And what was that word I read earlier? 

Oh yeah, ineradicable. 

Because the covenant isn't up to us to uphold, God be thanked. And so the promise is ineradicable. Hey, I thought it was an awesome word. 

But back to thinking, the undeserved blessings that God gives to us in return for the nothing we can give to him, well, it's hard to quite grasp the chasm that separates us in our unworthiness for them. It's like the guy in the movie; he was under an especially cruel master, and in the end he clawed his way from the grasp of the torturer into the arms of his rescuer (sorry for the spoiler). It would be like if he were to take the new clothes they gave him and on the trip back home, he jumped down off the carriage or train and rolled around in some pig muck, then sauntered back up to the group of gentlemen who had rescued him and with a smile on his face, asked if they were ready to keep going yet. 

Well, isn't it? Look me in the eye and tell me it's not. Or, you know, type me an honest message, since I can't see your eyes at the moment. 

Do we not treat our Father's grace thus? Especially every time we sin knowingly or willingly (which we all do), that's exactly what we do. We take the clean new robes of his righteousness and we get down and play in the muck puddle of sin. Which reminds of what Lewis said in Mere Christianity about how we think so small. Each of us is like a small child who is content to go on playing and splashing in his little mud puddle because he has no comprehension of what is meant by a holiday at the sea. 

So what are my thoughts tonight? I don't really know, I guess. I mean, I want to please Christ and I want to live like him, and I'm trying to read his love letter more consistently and spend increasing time with him in prayer, but I continue to groan along with Paul, "I do the things I know I shouldn't do and I don't do the things I know I should do. O wretched man that I am--who shall deliver me from this body of death?" And therein lies the true unfathomableness of God's loving grace--he gives grace to those who have trampled on the grace he already gave to them. To us. 

To me. 

So I suppose just a word of encouragement, if to no one but myself. To again quote the apostle, "For the love of Christ constrains us, because we judge thus: that if one died for all, then all died; and he died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for him who died for them and rose again." 

And my final thought; it's about the word "constrain." Etymologically, most people don't quite grasp its meaning. It has a similar picture to the word restrain, but in the opposite direction. Let's say you're trying to walk forward, but I've got my arms around you from behind and I'm not letting you go. That's restraint. 
But let's say you're trying to stay put; maybe you're afraid, maybe you're lazy, maybe you just plain don't want to. But again I've got my arms around you from behind, and with all I've got I'm pushing you forward to what we both know you should do. That's constraint. And that's what the love of Christ does. 

My heart...AND my flesh...may fail

Last year, before a fairly major event in my life, God had led me to a verse in Psalms, specifically Psalm 73:26:

"My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

And I learned what it was like for my heart to fail, to have that absolute emotional drainage that made it feel like I actually couldn't go on. But I clung to that promise, that though my emotional strength failed, God is my strength, and in him, I can go on. The promises of God are always true, and they will give you something solid to hang onto when life gets rough. I really encourage you to write verses down and even memorize them when you come across something you think might be a good reminder to you in the future. 

Lately though, God has been teaching me the other half of that verse, to trust him not just when my emotional strength fails, but when my physical strength fails. I'm not used to that. I'm actually pretty good at dealing with emotional pain, and re-finding my focus, not letting it bog me down for too long, etc. That's what makes me able to help others, because I can typically help them rediscover their lost focus and help them turn again to God. But physical pain is different, somehow. I have a very low physical pain tolerance, just gona admit that up front lol, but I've never really had to deal with it on a level of any real magnitude. I've been a pretty healthy person for most of my life, never even went to the hospital for anything worse than a bad flu or something such. Things that passed in a couple days or so. Things that were annoying yes, but the light at the end of the tunnel was never far away. But then about a month ago now, I was having some stomach pain that felt like the flu, except I couldn't throw up. I actually even tried gagging myself because it hurt so much, and it just wouldn't come. Unfortunately, this is while I was at work, so I was miserable at work for about seven hours until it finally came up, and I hit the wastebasket, thankfully, and then called in sick for the next day. Which I spent curled up in a ball in my bed, wondering what on earth this flu was, since it was certainly worse than any I've had so far. Finally I decided it was probably a good idea to go in and get it checked out, and the Ankeny clinic sent me down to Des Moines to the hospital, and the doctor decided it was appendicitis so they did an appendectomy on my at about 2 in the morning. Great way for my parents to end their day, right? And then of course there was the recovery, which I expected, but you know, I was rather expecting it to mostly an upward line, rather than the kind with all the jumps up and down. I tried not to overdo it too much, but of course I have the "let's go" mentality and really got kinda tired of sitting in the lazyboy at home, so there were a couple of times that I pushed myself too far, but really for the most part it was looking normal. 

What took the longest was with my car; for some reason the motion of getting in or out of my car twisted my stomach just right and felt like it tore something inside. Everything else seemed to be fine, but other things kept hopping on the bandwagon. I'd catch a cold or have some weird stomach pain or something or other, and it just kept feeling like I couldn't catch a break. The last 5 days or so I've had another complication, cramps and an infection of some sort, and last night it really was starting to get to me. I mean, I've kept my body is relatively good shape, strong enough to not slow me down at least. I'd go for a run and think, "Hey, I'm actually still in decent shape." I'd lift and think "Hey, I'm not as weak as I was expecting from not lifting for awhile." That sort of thing. But it's frustrating to not have that strength day to day. It quite simply isn't there. I feel weak, like in my bones. It's hard to even stand for more than a couple minutes. Walking is alright, but even with that, I get tired fairly quickly. Seriously, it's frustrating. I feel like I don't have the strength to do what I need to do. But then last night I was talking to Alex, and for some reason or another, that verse came back to mind. It's not just when my heart fails, it's also when my flesh fails, that God is my strength and my portion. 

I've counseled people before who were dealing with pain, and short-term pain seems to be relatively easy, because of what I described before: the light at the end of the tunnel really isn't that far away; just hold on, and God will give you strength. But for those people who deal with pain for more than a few days, they tend to lose their focus more easily. And honestly, I've tended to lose my patience with them a little more easily. So many times, I've just wanted to say "Seriously? The answer is right in front of you, it's RIGHT HERE! Would you just focus and it would make your life so much easier." And now I realize a bit more about what they go through. Pain, more than anything, is distracting. For whatever reason or the other that God allows it in our lives, whether to teach us to focus, or to teach us to rely on him in these new circumstances, or to teach us empathy, or really whatever reason it is, at the end of the day, pain is distracting. It's really hard to think, "I will trust in the Lord, my strength and my deliverer" when the only thing you can think is what Brian Regan said, "I feel like all of my insides want to be on my outside," when all you can think is "Gaaahhhh, this hurts sooo bad! What is the deal here?!?" 

So many people in so many places have said the same thing: God never promises to deliver you from your circumstances; he promises to deliver you through your circumstances. 

Which is where I am at the moment, I guess. I try not to complain, but Alex is a very patient girl, and I know I take advantage of that far too much. She is a blessing in my life, especially right now. God always seems to bring along the blessing, the strength to keep going, right at the perfect time. And that reminder last night was just what I needed, that though "my flesh and my heart fail, God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever." That's a promise he gave me, and I'm sticking to it. 

Hello, my name is

I talk with many people every day and try to counsel in every opportunity that comes my way. I build relationships with people and seek to show them how to be more like Christ because they contacted me. True, I often fail miserably, and I'm often a poor reflection of what Christ looks like, but my heart beats to counsel, and I would gladly do it for the rest of my life. 

The past few days and weeks I've noticed a pattern in the questions that people are bringing to me, and an over-arching theme of identity. Many people have asked me the question, "Who am I?" and the surrounding questions that go with it as to purpose and motivation. And tonight as I was walking my 12 miles at the Skywalks, I had Matthew West's song about identity going through my head. If you're not familiar with it, here are some of the words, and pay close attention to them. He talks about something I say all the time: Your past does not dictate your future.

Hello, my name is Regret.

I'm pretty sure we have met 

every single day of your life.

I'm the whisper inside that won't let you forget.

Hello, my name is Defeat.

I'm sure you recognize me.

Just when you think you can win, I'll drag you right back down again

til you've lost all belief.

These are the voices, and these are the lies,

but I have believed them for the very last time.

HELLO, MY NAME IS CHILD OF THE ONE TRUE KING!

I'VE BEEN SAVED, I'VE BEEN CHANGED, I HAVE BEEN SET FREE!

AMAZING GRACE IS THE SONG I SING!

Hello, my name is Child of the one true King.

This song is actually my text ringtone, to remind me of its message hundreds of times a day. Dear friend, I have made mistakes. And not just "christian mistakes." I've made some doozies. I've made mistakes that have made me question many things, mistakes that took me down roads of rebellion, mistakes that made me wonder if I was fit for the ministry. But as West sings, "Amazing grace is the song I sing." 

I'm speaking tomorrow night from James 4:1-10. The wise pastor of the first church has been building up for the previous three chapters to this paragraph, and he lets all hell break loose. His whole book is peppered with imperatives, but in verses 7-10, he rapid-fires an almost scathing torrential rebuke to his readers. He starts in verse 5 by quoting Genesis, and says, " The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously. But he gives grace to the humble. Therefore:

Submit to God.

Resist the Devil.

Draw near to God.

Cleanse your hands, you sinners.

Purify your hearts, you double-minded.

Lament.

Mourn.

Weep.

Let your laughter be turned to mourning.

Let your joy be turned to gloom."

All of that to say take your sin seriously. Think about how he started it. He said God wants you. That's a paraphrase of "The Spirit yearns jealously." God himself actually wants you, enough so that his heart breaks when he sees you in sin or apathy. God actually desires you. He weeps when you allow your heart to be turned away to other desires that draw from him or when you allow apathy to pervade your heart and you just don't care at all. He yearns jealously for YOU. 

But there's this pesky matter of sin in the way. And as Christians, we know that our sin gets in the way of fellowship with our God. But too often we listen to the other voices. We listen to Regret and Defeat. We let the lies they tell shape our thinking, and by extension, shape our actions. 

James, however, doesn't give a message of just melancholy and gloom. He says "Cleanse your hands, you sinners." It's time to wash up. It's time to scrape off the crud and clean up. He says, "and purify your hearts, you double-minded." You also need to make your heart right before God. It's not enough to do right. You have to be right. And the way to be right is to walk in close fellowship with God. All of this is under the overall theme of "humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord." 

We don't . . . . well, we don't talk like this anymore. We're all for giving comfort to the downfallen and praise to the triumphant, which is all well and good. But when is the last time you told someone who was doing rather well in their life that they needed to "lament and mourn and weep"? 

There's a twofold attitude that we absolutely must have toward our sin. One is the side that our sin is not our identity. It doesn't chain us to the sinking boat and pull us under. Our past failures do NOT dictate our future choices. 

The flip-side is that it still is serious and is not to be taken lightly. We must humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord and for what? That he might lift us up. And that is the point. This is the grace that he gives to the humble. Thankfully, we don't have to have it all together before Christ extends grace to us in the first place, but then after he's done the initial work of salvation, that gift must make us forever grateful and make us desire to live a life of thankfulness to him for that gift. 

I've spoken of it before and I will speak of it again. There is a connection between concept and action that must be bridged. It's not enough to know the right thing; you must do the right thing. It starts with humbling yourself, and that humility will show you that your sin is big, but God is bigger. Draw a line in the sand, my friend. It's time. 

Today is June 15th, 2013

That thought hit me earlier today. "Today is June 15th, 2013." Do you know the significance of that date? It probably isn't significant to many people, but it is to me. I honestly don't know how many times I repeated this date. June 15th, 2013. 

Today was going to be my wedding. 

I say the word "was" with mixed emotions. Because yes, there was some pretty real sadness that caused that word to be so. And when I called Mom earlier, I did get choked up for a few minutes, unashamedly so. Even now, there's still a bit of a lump in my throat when I think back on the past year and the path that God has led me on in it. But I say mixed emotions because there has been some very real joy in the last year as well. God has used this last year to completely re-make me, and for that I am eternally grateful. And like I told Mom, I've discovered my purpose. My purpose is to be a reflection of God's serenity to people when their lives are in chaos, and the events that caused the word "was" are the events that have made it possible for me to be strong in the area of empathy. 

Because life doesn't always work out the way we planned it. Actually it rarely does. We write our plans in pencil, as someone I know once said. And God often takes us through pain to get us to where he wants us. The most beautiful diamond is the one that has gone through the most pressure for the longest time, and so it is with us, and God knows that, and he does it for that exact purpose, to mold us into the image of his son. 

And so it is with joy that I look back on the events of the past year. I'm not going to say "the good and the bad" because truthfully, God has used every one of them for good. Even the ones that hurted a whole awfully lot. So I've found that hurt and pain are not bad; they are simply part of life, and accepting them as such, and trusting that God's will is best even when it isn't easiest, is what has brought joy to my life. 

June 15th, 2013 is done (technically it's the 16th, about 2am) and I am not a married man, nor is my good friend Dana my bride. Because God has allowed our plans to be rewritten, and we don't know what the new plan looks like yet. And that is okay. 

Look to the promises of scripture, I keep telling my friends. Look to the promises, and one of the promises is this: "Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. His mercies are new every morning;" and oh, my God, "Great is your faithfulness." 

So with eager joy I look ahead now to June 16th, and to the next day and the next year, to my dear Lord who loves me enough to give me saving grace many years ago, and sustaining grace each day now. Because the God of the universe is the God who is near, and for tomorrow and the rest of my life, I will confidently live in that truth. 

There are times that life just hurts.

Those words of the title really describe the last few days or so. My personality is such that when I feel pain, I internalize it and calmly walk through it, and then afterward I allow it to affect me. And within the last few months, I've allowed my emotions to work their proper balance on my personality, so I now empathize with others as well as feel more of my own emotions. I typically shed tears twice a year or so, and I can usually feel it coming for at least a couple of weeks. I typically do cry alone, but it seems like I always wish some certain person was there. And in the same way, I suppose, I hate finding out that one of my friends has cried alone. I want to be there for them, to enter into their pain with them, to show them that the God of the universe is the God who is near. 

The last few days, it's just seemed that so many of my dear friends are hurting, and I guess I'm entering into their hurts with them, although it's from afar with some. Commencement at Faith was just a couple of days ago, so with that whole time of transition, the level of emotion seems to rise a bit, with everyone saying goodbye to friends, at least for the summer, some looking ahead to traveling across the globe or across the nation, going on adventures and looking forward to being able to tell the stories that come with them. But with some of them, something or another just hurts. A couple have just broken off relationships. A couple are dealing with physical pain. A couple have just lost loved ones. And it hurts. It all hurts. And I can no longer look from afar and loft my condolences to them---now they are my dear friends and I feel their pain with them. Not to the same extent, of course, but I do empathize, and all of them together do build up. 

Add to that my own major life decision, in which I'm still no closer to seeing a clear direction, and the last few days have just been somber. Honestly, I don't know whether God would have me be a pastor, or to go into the more specific field of counseling. I've weighed the pros and cons and thought and prayed about it for some time now, and it seems like every time something happens to push me in one direction, something else happens to pull me back to the middle between the two. And it's not like I need to make the decision within the next two weeks, but it certainly is on my mind. 

I'm afraid my thoughts will ramble just a bit more than usual tonight, but hopefully they're still truthful, if harder to follow. I've been thinking about friendships. Like okay, I've chosen incredible friends. I trust my friends. I respect my friends. I feel like those I call my friend I could call on at any moment and they would come through for me. I could ask them to do a favor for a total stranger to them, and they would do it in a heartbeat. I could ask for anything for myself, and they would do it without hesitation. My friends are confident. My friends are generous. My friends are godly. My friends are accomplishing things with their lives (even if they don't always think so, as is typical with humble people). 

My friends also understand the concept of iron sharpening iron, to different degrees of understanding, of course. We understand that we can't do it alone, and so we enter into relationships with others with a "give and take" spirit. And really, that's how it needs to be. For instance, Josh and I swap cars almost without even asking, based almost more on which one is in the way of the other than which one belongs to which of us. We put fuel in each others cars and meals on each others tables without bothering to make sure every dime is accounted for (although I have no doubt over the long term, I've gotten the better end of the deal). I love my friends. I would die for them. And I will live for them. 

Along that same line, I have a blessing straight from God that few people have, and that is my family. Today being Mother's Day, the concept of family has been floating around a lot today and in days past. I have a family that has harmony. You know, in music? Where you have different notes working together to create a harmonious sound, something that is beautiful. My family is like that. Dad is the quiet strength and leads our family by example, in both love and discipline. Mom is the bubbly energy and the sweet, generous spirit. Together, they've led us through the years as we've grown, and accepted each new challenge we've presented to them with unified grace and dignity. 
Carrie is the wise one. She is so much better at making relationships work than I am. She guards her heart, yet gives generously and instantly. She will be blunt if you need it and she will be gentle if you need it. 
Scott is the hard-working one. He's so much more driven than I am when it comes to labor. I worked on the farm for the paycheck. He works because he loves it. He most definitely will not be the first one to speak, but he's good at what he does and he knows it. 
Laura is the outspoken one. She brings a loud, laughing, smiling energy into our family. She's the social butterfly and loves all of her friends. She'll go out of her way to make others smile, and her presents always have a lot of thought put into them. 
Hope is the curious one. She's so smart--way smarter than I was at 8. Or is she 9 now? Anyway, she picks up new subjects so quickly and always asks questions that actually make you think for an answer. She also has such a soft heart, and enters into others' joys and pains so readily. 


And do you know something completely crazy? My siblings and I don't say "I love you" almost ever. Dad and Mom make sure to say it and mean it whenever we end a phone conversation or close an evening, but between my siblings and I, we just kinda never do. But you know what? We know it. We know our love is there. We've even talked about it, how it's crazy that it really isn't ever spoken, but it's there, and WAAAY more deeply than a lot of other families I've observed. I have absolutely no doubt that at this moment, every one of my siblings loves me, is loyal to me, and would die for me, and none of them doubt those things of me. We have harmony among us. We don't bicker or fight; we know how to solve problems together. I'm probably the closest with Carrie, just because we're the closest in age, and I swear sometimes we're almost telepathic, the way we think alike. Our close friends know that we dress alike. We'll actually come down on Sunday morning, after getting ready on different floors of the house, never speaking or seeing each other, and we'll be wearing the guy and girl versions of the same outfit. It's creepy, I tell ya...

But for real, I love my family, and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. But something that's been on my mind for quite some time is this. What about those who don't have harmony in their family? What about those who give lip service to how a family should work, but in reality the mom leads and the dad gives permission? I actually heard a mom say that once: "I never do anything without my husband's permission." But what was left out was that she also did very little under her husband's direction, because he was passive. He wasn't a man, content to let his wife lead while he played with his hobbies and such. Men, let us be real men. 
What about those whose family is broken apart by death or divorce? Two of my dearest friends come from such families. I can't imagine the pain. To lose a parent? At our age, at least. I honestly can't even imagine the heart-rending, searing pain that would bring. Or to watch as my parents separate by divorce, and break apart the foundation of everything I know to be sure and solid? To watch those on whose love my life is built look at each other and pull apart that love? I can't imagine, other than by observation, how deeply alarming and disturbing and heart-wrenching that would be, to the very core of everything I know and feel. 


The only pain I really know is the pain of rejection, which is hard in its own way, I know, but different from the pain of separation. But going through that pain does allow me to enter into others' pain in a deeper way, and there are some things I found in that time. 

Pain has a way of making everything you thought was solid and making you realize it really wasn't that stable at all. It's like you're standing on a dock in a lake, which is relatively sturdy as you've seen. But then, something comes along and turns that dock from wood to Jello, and all of a sudden, the thing you thought was pretty sturdy really isn't that solid at all. And so you're swaying, swinging, flailing, grasping for anything solid to stand on before you drown. And in the midst of all that uncertainty, you find a rock, right where you need it. 

Pain is like that. It's clarifying, in its own way. It has a way of showing you that the things you were trusting in weren't really that trustworthy, and shows you something you wouldn't have found otherwise that truly is solid, and you can stand on no matter the storm that comes. For me it was the promises. You know, the words of God to those that love Him. One in particular I always come back to, and that is this:

Psalm 73:26
"My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." 

It's hard to see in the middle. It's hard to really be sure that God knows what he's doing when your entire world is being rocked. But God gives peace. God gives strength. Study the promises, and notice something peculiar: God never promises to pull us out of trials, but he promises over and over and over again to give us strength through the trials. Be encouraged, Christian, that the God of the universe is the God who is near. If your life is going smoothly, remain sensitive to those around you whose smiles hide tears and laughter is but a front for their sighs. Their pain doesn't need to be fixed; their foundation needs to be strengthened, and you can't do that with words. Reflect to them the surety that comes from the knowledge that through it all, the God who threw the mountains into place with exquisite care. . .

. . . cares deeply. For you. 

Remember how a diamond is made. And with that thought, I bid you good night. 

This is one of those moments in my life where I feel so full of gratitude and contentment that I just want to tell someone, and I thought, why not share it here?

So let me tell you about my last few days. As you know, I've been working for a company called Advanced Problem Solutions. It's run by Rod Brace, who is my uncle's brother. (yes I know, you're doing the whole O_o face. His brother married my dad's sister. Clear as mud? Ok) I started in January when I moved over here to Ankeny, and for the first three months or so, I was able to average over 50 hours a week. It's been crazy fun, both with what the job is and who my boss is. The job is repair and construction on pretty much anything. Rod has all the master's licenses in Iowa, which translates into him basically being good at everything. Couple that with his attitude toward life, which is "pedal to the metal, never let fear or common sense slow you down, eat and sleep when you're dead, live life and love God to the fullest," and I had my work cut out for me to be able to keep up. I set my mind to the task and poured my energy into it, and I've learned a whole bunch of stuff about a whole bunch of stuff I never thought of before. It's been a blast!

And then about three weeks ago or so, he started not having as much for me to do. Which is understandable, of course. A lot of the work he does is refrigeration, and to be able to keep up, I have to be certified in refrigeration, which I'm not, and it takes a long time to get certified. And he just honestly didn't have time to find work for me to do, with my somewhat limited skills. So the last three weeks have been really boring, honestly. I've had some work, but not enough to keep me busy, and one thing I've grown to hate is just sitting on my hands. I want my time to be profitable, and I've had less than 40 hours in the last 3 weeks combined. 

Which also tends to hurt the ole' financial area too, ya know? It hit me all of a sudden, "um, those numbers are getting depleted really quickly..." And over the course of a few days, things were sort of starting to look a bit bleak. I had a job that wasn't able to give me hours and bills were coming due. Bills. . . . haven't had too many of those before. Amazing how different it is when you really don't have Dad and Mom to fall back on. I spoke last night in church from James 1:5-8, and James really spoke into my situation.

He says in verse 5 that if we lack wisdom, the solution is to simply ask the God who gives so liberally and without grudging. He has both the means and the desire to give us the riches of his wisdom, and all we need to do is ask. Ask in faith, with no doubting, James tells us. Boiled down:

Pray dangerously. 

In the first few verses, James tells us to count it as good when trials come into our lives. Choose to see beyond the circumstances that are clamoring for our attention, look past that and remember the reason they come, and that is this: the testing of our faith produces patience, and patience over time will bring you to maturity. And then in the verses right after that, he says to ask for that. 

wait...

Ask. . . for the trials? For the testing? Umm, not sure I want to do that, James. Okay, I want wisdom, but I'm not sure God knows what He's doing when it comes to what I really actually need in order to get that wisdom, you know? God, well, he likes to give me things that are, well . . . hard :/ 
And James, in his quiet manner, tells us to ask in faith, without doubting. Don't doubt, my brothers, that God knows what he's doing. And it's important for you to become mature. It's important for you to grow closer to God, but God uses what he chooses to accomplish that, and you can trust that the God of the universe is the God who is near. He loves you, and will only ever give you what is best for you. Not what is easiest---what is best. 

And while I was in the preparation to speak on that last night, I remembered that, oh yeah, I prayed a prayer like that a few weeks ago. Yes, I prayed that God would teach me how to trust in Him more fully, how to not be dependent on the correct lining up of my circumstances to have solidity in my life. And at some point or another, that I would learn financial discipline. 

God has a way of not answering that request right away. Funny, how a request for patience doesn't come right away. But I realized that I had prayed for that, and I believe the last couple of weeks have been an answer to that. God uses means to accomplish his will, not lightning zaps. He uses people and circumstances to teach us things that would probably just get lost in the busyness of life if we just realized them. Sometimes, God can be annoying. He likes to interrupt MY life. He likes to mess up the neat plans I make and pull me out of my comfort zone. Oh, I think that was what else I prayed. God, don't let me stay in my comfort zone. 

Pray dangerously, my friend. 

Because God also has a way of blessing that prayer, and when you look back, you also will find that He isn't a God who skimps. Remember? Ask of God who gives liberally. 

I was finally able to get a hold of Rod last night, and we were able to talk for a few minutes about the whole situation, and he told me to go ahead and start looking for a full-time job and keep doing the preventive maintenance for him. So that's been my day; I had two PM calls this morning, got those done, then I put in an application to Home Depot and a security company down in Des Moines. And then I came back here I was looking on Craigslist to see if anyone had some short term work, and I put in about four more apps to various places. And I keep randomly laughing now, because of God's clear hand when you need it the most. 

On my way down to the security company, I told God, "Okay, last time I started out trying to put in a bunch of applications and do all this work, and when I got turned down a bunch of times, then I said Okay, I'll trust you now. Let's start this time different, and I'm going to trust you and then put in all my apps and time and work and all that." And guess what? An hour ago I got a call with a job offer starting Monday, with more pay than I'm worth. 

So God has taught me a lesson and once again proven to me that He will always take care of His own. Yes, there's still a possibility this won't pan out, but I'm not really that worried. First of all, because I hate living by a long-term plan, but secondly, because I serve a God who loves me and takes care of me, and in that knowledge, I find solidity in all of the annoying and upsetting circumstances I've faced thus far. 

So pray dangerously, and God will answer. Those are my thoughts today.