WinterJam 2013

Wow, my I have so much spinning through my head right now. For one thing, I'm in a very different place than I would have expected two years ago, in all of life but especially musically speaking. I just got back from WinterJam, which is a tour of several Christian musicians who tour together across the US. And I was able to go with two of the sweetest girls I know, two whose hearts beat to serve the Lord. Holly is one with whom I go to church down at Calvary in WDM, and she's one of the most faithful people I know, one of those behind-the-scenes people who do a lot, but you don't often see them doing it. For one thing, she's in charge of the bulletin, and she's always got it done in good time, ready to go for Sunday morning and all that. She's always at church except when her job requires her to be elsewhere, and doesn't make excuses to miss being with the people of God or to find ways around her responsibilities at church. Stacey is the other one I went with tonight; she's one of those friends I've known forever, and don't really remember when I met her. She's one of those who gives selflessly to those less fortunate, one of the most civically minded people I know. She's one who puts feet to her faith, always looking for opportunities to help anyone who needs it, especially those who don't know where else to look anymore (the homeless, the hungry, the poor and needy). 

(This is outside as we were walking back to the car; there's this statue of hands that you can't see very well lol)

A couple of weeks ago, I bought TobyMac's new CD called Eye On It, and I've been listening to it since then. I took a trip to Memphis to see my old voice teacher, Mr. Knudsen, and on the 10-hour trips there and back, I got to know the music pretty well, and I really like the attitude he puts forward in it. Toby McKeehan is a pretty well known artist who has done very well, and yet he attributes all the glory that's directed toward him directly upward. He comes across as a very selfless individual, and the songs in this CD are, as the title suggests, about pursuing something higher than our own glory and fame.

So this concert is made of many artists, although he's the one who has the most time in it. Newsong was there, Jamie Grace, Matthew West, Jason Castro, etc. And one group I've never heard before tonight, and I'm convinced they are the worst "Christian" artist I've ever heard. The only thing I've ever heard of them is from a friend in college saying "They're so good!" And that comment started me down a journey of thought about what makes an artist or a preacher or a Christian good? Who decides whether they're good or bad, talented or not? And I've come to the conclusion that it's about the connection between faith and life, between doctrine and doing, between Divinity and humanity, between being a hearer of the Word and being a doer of it. 

But to narrow it down to just musicians for now, I do want to say that I think I've been on both sides of the block enough to at least have a clue what I'm talking about. Think of the most conservative person you know, musically speaking. I was more. Those who knew me a couple of years ago remember that even the rock rhythm would make me angry. I hated it with a burning passion. I thought that rock was the devil's passion made physical. I'm serious. 

I've also been on the other side, where I truly liked secular music (Lady GaGa, Beyonce, Jason Derulo, all the Top40 artists, etc), even though I kept that fact hidden from most of my friends and family. 

I also took voice lessons for six years. Not just singing lessons or music lessons, but voice lessons, so I do actually know what good vocality is (even though I can't actually perform it, I do know what it is). That all is only to give credibility to what I say next.

Red is the worst artist I've ever heard. My personal standard for what constitutes "good" music is excellence. Does the musician do what he (or she) does WITH EXCELLENCE? As far as method of music and their own particular slant on what they write and sing is all within the bounds of personal preference, which is why there's disagreement on who is "good" and who is "bad." Follow? But Red is absolutely terrible vocally. I'm willing to grant them that they have more energy and passion than any performer or artist I've ever heard, and perhaps they mean well, but they don't sing. They scream. And okay, that's what heavy metal is, but if they intend to sing about our great God, shouldn't they be understood? I wrote that down in my phone while they were singing. "What's the point in singing if you can't be understood? Tons of energy and zero, absolutely zero, applicable content." In the four songs they, well….screamed, I understood exactly two words. 

Which kind of brings me to the point of it all. If we have a message, shouldn't we attempt to be understood? Maybe RED has some great content in the songs. I honestly don't know, because I couldn't understand them, which I believe makes an artist worthless. Pointless and worthless. They may as well have stayed home eating potato chips on the couch. TobyMac also had some awesome energy in his music, and there were a couple of times he was harder to understand, but his message was both loud AND clear. You've got to have both! And he did. And singing along, I had some of the most fun I've had for awhile : )

(And this is a fairly blurry picture (sorry) of TM absolutely bringing it! Both passion and doctrine melded together in one of the most exciting displays of giving the glory to God I've ever seen!)

I really enjoyed the concert tonight! Having kind of come full circle with my music tastes, I feel like I can enjoy what is really good with a more critical eye, and when something is actually good, I enjoy it more because I know what separates it from the bad. And that separation is constituted by the question of connection, as I said, between faith and life, between knowing and doing, between speaking and being understood. If you've got a message, which at its base is what music is, then you ought to do everything in your power to make that message understandable. 

This isn't the place for debate, and if you disagree, you're entitled to your opinion as much as I am. In this realm, we don't stand on doctrine, but on personal opinion and perspective. Of course it's always good to try as much as possible to make your perspective line up with actual truth, and there are ways to go about that, and I hope and pray that you do, and when you do, we can pursue truth and godliness together, which is one of the great blessings in life, is it not? Thank you as always for taking the time to read these few paragraphs and my thoughts about the concert tonight. I was blessed by it and reminded more about my God through it, and though I swayed from that topic for a bit, that's the point of it all. Music points. It directs and guides and influences. It's a language, one which (the majority of) the artists tonight used skillfully to point our hearts and minds and emotions and thoughts toward our Savior. I do pray for you, dear Reader, that you know Him as I do. Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, as I do? If not, I invite you to come and join us. Life really is worthless and pointless without Christ, but with him! Oh, with him, he gives life, and not just life, but as….was it James who said? "He came that we might have life, and that we might have it more abundantly!" Come, dear Reader, and join me in this pursuit of our Savior, toward living each day fully and adoring our dear Father together. 

And that is satisfaction : )

A bird-eye view of my last few months

I have found joy, in a place I never expected to find it. My dearest and greatest joy is to be able to enter into both the laughter and the tears of another person, and be able to look them in the eye and tell them, "I've been where you are. I've felt the searing pain, the uncertainty, and the unthinkable thoughts that you feel and think now, and I can tell you, with experiential certainty, that our God is good through it all."

If you are near my life at all, you know that God allowed my engagement to come to an end about six months ago. This isn't the place for details, but I want to share some of the things that God has taught me through the whole experience. 

The first and biggest is just the incredible change He has wrought in me. For many years I pursued a certain sin, and that pursuit formed a stone around my heart. My parents knew about it, and from time to time they would ask me about it. I always committed myself to never telling a lie. (Right now, I can tell you specifically the two lies I've told in the last fifteen years) However, I got really good at not having to tell the truth; you know what I mean? I got really good at reading people, specifically my parents, at knowing what they were thinking, at guiding conversations, at being vague enough to never get myself in real trouble. I got really good at rationalizing everything, at analyzing everything. The whole pursuit, like I said, was something I could NOT do in the Holy Spirit's power; I had to quench his influence in my life, and as I said, harden my heart. Over time, many years, I allowed a stone to form around my heart. 

I'm going to skip a lot of the in-between details here, and I know this is a racing-past view of everything, but the time may come for more. But about six months ago, I finally came to an all-out head-on collision with staring my sin in the face, and I finally didn't look away. 

I was engaged to be married to a woman I loved, and yet I had this sin that I couldn't seem to fully shake. It was a Thursday night. I went running, as I often do, late at night; I think I left about 11. Typically I run a slower two miles, but this night I ran a hard half mile, up to the top of the next hill. I set out, and ran at an almost sprint for that uphill quarter mile. 

I had been reading Ezekiel 36, and there is a verse in that chapter that basically God says, "Israel is going to see their sin, and they will loathe themselves for it." That was where I was that night. I looked into myself, past the facade that everyone saw, past the walls that my closer friends weren't allowed past, into the inner closets that even Dana wasn't allowed in, and I saw the blackness and the putrefying grossness that I kept there, and I knew that what everyone else saw was fake. This was who I really was, and I utterly despised myself for it. I abhorred myself and I loathed that I kept all this in my life.

I stopped running at the top of that hill, under the full moon, and fell to my knees in the gravel, and I prayed the only truly selfless prayer I think I've ever prayed. I literally cried out to God with everything I had in me, "God, take from me whatever you must; take this personality I've cultivated for so long, take away my possessions and my family; God, take from me the woman I hold most dear, if you must. But my God, give...me...a...heart...that...loves...You."

Right now I don't remember what happened after that. But that was Thursday. On Saturday, Dana met with a friend, and I knew that after that meeting, she would have a lot on her mind. But what struck me as odd was that she didn't say I love you that night as we said good night. I figured she just had a lot on her mind, but when she didn't say it the subsequent nights either, I knew that something was wrong. She wanted to talk in person, but since she was in Ohio and I was in Iowa, that would take some doing. But I was desperate; the woman I loved had stopped returning it, and that silence was astoundingly deafening. 

The human brain and body can take solitude and stillness, and in fact it's good to have that from time to time. But true silence, the brain can't handle it. There's a room that NASA made that baffles almost all sound, so it's like 99.978 (or something) true silence. The most highly trained people can stand to be in that room for only 45 minutes. Most people start to hallucinate after 10. 

That's what this felt like. It was like I was grasping out for any sound at all, any mention of what was going on, to try to make sense of this. And that silence, like I said, was deafening. After growing so used to the rhythmic sound of her love, the deprivation of it, the silence, was like the sound of a mighty waterfall pouring down around me. 

On Tuesday she said we really needed to talk, and that she would come out here on Saturday. I really didn't think I could wait five more days, so at 8 pm on that Tuesday, I left home for the 800 miles out there; I drove through the night, stopping just for fuel and for a few restless hours of sleep. I knew what was coming; there was only one answer for what she was doing, and in a way it didn't come as a surprise when she told me the next day, but it was that night, somewhere out on the lonely interstate, sometime in the early morning hours, that my heart broke. 

And I mean that in the most God-glorifyingly way possible. My heart broke. The shell that had been built up around my heart for the last twelve years, that heart of granite that God had been taking chips out of for the last few months, finally broke. It felt as though God took my entire world, and like the Hulk smashed Loki, he rocked my world and broke my heart into a thousand pieces. Or the shell of stone around my heart, anyway. 

So yeah, we went through the next couple of days, where we formally broke off our engagement, and I drove back home, and we both attempted to make sense of things, to find anything solid to hold on to. 

On a side note, when someone is grieving, they don't need logic. They don't need to know that "there are still other fish in the sea" or even that God has something better in mind. The people I remember most in the blur of the next few days are those very few who didn't use words. They simply came alongside me, entered into my grief, and showed me that they were purely and simply there. Those few that knew I needed to cry, and they wept with me. I truly hope that God gave her the same comfort. 

I've learned a lot about pain in the last few weeks and months. The pain of separation is one thing, but there is a sense in which it's easier. When a loved one dies or moves away, you still have that knowledge that, as long as it was in their power, they loved you. But the pain of rejection is unique. Not necessarily harder, but it is unique, and if you want to say to someone that you've been where they are, do make sure that you have actually been where they are. It's not very comforting when someone says that to you, and your only thought is, "What pain have you ever felt?" By the way, that's not a slam on anyone; my intent is to help you, dear reader, with how to help someone in the future who is hurting. That's my point with all of this. Don't give pious platitudes. By all means, by NO means, please please please don't try to make light of it, and help them feel better. That's never what a grieving person needs. They need something solid, and since the only solid is Christ, that's what you need to point them to. You can be a physical representation to them of a God who is there, a God who is near. Learn to hug people. Learn to put a hand on their shoulder. When a person is grieving, appropriateness takes on different forms. A hug at another time can maybe be not the best thing, but when a person is in deep emotional pain, a firm embrace can be to them the most solid thing they will feel. Don't be afraid to give them that. 

And that's my point with a lot of this, that there were a few people who didn't try to reason with my pain, didn't try to show me that they understood, but simply pointed me to Christ and showed me that they loved me. That was enough : )

I've also learned a lot about fear. I told you about that night, out in the middle of somewhere, where my shell of stone broke. The next few days, I felt absolutely RAW. I felt as though...well, you know when you peel a scab off a wound? And afterward, there's fresh, new, naked skin underneath that's never been exposed to the air and the water and all? It was like my heart was like that. There was this sense of aliveness that I used to feel as a kid, but I really had lost it. My life was a machine, apathetic, grinding through the days and months and classes and work. And God used the silence from a human love I was placing my hope in to break down that false hope and show me where to put it, in a place where it will never fail me. For me, right now and for the last many months, I can honestly and fully tell you that God is enough for me. And that knowledge, that trust, is something that is so very liberating. 

I haven't had physical fear for some time. I've internally made fun of people who are afraid of mice or spiders or heights. (Mind over matter and all that) But this, this is something new. This isn't just a lack of fear, although that is there. I'm not afraid of the small things like snakes or heights or death or the unknown, but this in a way, is something on the other end. I have a desire to pursue LIFE! It's not about laws and rules anymore. It's not about coloring inside the lines; it's about seeing the picture : ) 

Yeah, I'm not stupid about it; I don't take needless risks or put myself pointlessly or needlessly in danger, and I'm very careful not to put others in danger, but I have grown to love that phrase in the Casting Crowns song: "RECKLESS ABANDON..." It's like, yeah I don't want to stupid and dangerous, but at the same time I want to live without worrying that I'm doing everything exactly as everyone wants me to. I want to live in such a way that I am pursuing God's will for my life at every turn, in every thought, knowing that He sees my heart and doesn't care so much about my method. 

I guess it's more like the other song, by Jeremy Camp, called "Reckless." Here are my favorite lyrics: 

I will not be afraid
To surrender my way
And follow who You are
I wanna be reckless

This isn't coming across clearly, I think. But I hope you've caught at least the general drift of what I'm trying to say. Maybe another time I can expound a bit more on it. Boiled down, life isn't about staying inside the rules. It's about following hard after God. 

And that "following hard after God," that pursuit, doesn't have any need of fear and trepidation. Respect and reverence, of course as always, but there doesn't need to be that....well, really it's a nonsensical, illogical fear that so many people live their lives constantly in. But if you look at scripture, look at the men and women who accomplished great things for God. Look at David and Daniel and Joseph and Paul and James and Deborah and Rahab and Peter and John. They were people who pursued God's will, and they didn't have time to worry about the critiques of people; they cared only for the blessing and approval from their God. 

Oh and quickly, I want you to know that if you ever need to talk, if you need a listening ear or help making sense of things, I will always do my best to help you in that. You have my email and you can find me on Facebook, which also has my number. 

As always, I've wandered through my story, hitting on some major points and skipping some details and trying to show you, dear friend, what God has been teaching me lately. And lately, I have learned that my God isn't just a God who redeems us FROM our pain; he is also a God who will redeem us THROUGH our pain. He is sovereign and he is good. He knows what is best for us, and he cares enough for us to not spare us from those things which will make us most like him. 

His desire is that we each will grow into the image of his Son. He gives us the circumstances to mold us, the people to support us, the strength to empower us, and the Spirit to enliven us in and through this thing called LIFE! He desires that we stop just existing, as I did for so very long, and start living life to the fullest. 

Oh, how sweet is that verse! John 10:10, "I came that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly!" 

So take these thoughts, and now go LIVE!

Brought low. Again.

I'm continually amazed at how my God works. 


I just got in from my run and workout, and though I'm ashamed to admit it, I was planning to commit a sin that I've struggled with in the past. My thinking has not been right all day, even though I preached this morning. Funny, isn't it? I can preach a sermon (two, in fact) in which the main point was essentially to not focus on self. And then I get home, tired from preparation and a long few days, and I do exactly that. 


And not just feeling like I needed a nap, but I didn't guard my heart, and I let my thinking slide so far that by tonight, I was actually feeling like I deserved a reprieve from all this "spiritual stuff." I deserved to have some pleasure of my own. Can there be more selfish thinking?


Anyway, I was running, and the whole time I was fighting inside myself. I couldn't stare up at the beautiful moon because it reminded me of the God to whom I am accountable. I couldn't enjoy the beautiful shadows and the grass and the hum of the insects because I was focused on myself, on the fact that when I got back, I was going to get to watch a movie that I really shouldn't be watching. My heart was fighting; there was turmoil inside me so much that I could almost feel it. 


And then about halfway through my second mile, I literally could not take it anymore. A line kept rerunning through my head, something I said this morning when I preached: "There is nothing more detrimental to the cause of Christ than a hypocritical Christian." WHAT AM I DOING???
I stopped running, I must have stumbled a little bit, and I found myself on my knees, there in the middle of the gravel road. "Okay Lord, you win." 




I want to give of my best to the Master. And I can't do that when I'm keeping it for myself. Sin is anything that directs my focus onto myself. I'm going to need His help to stay focused on Him, but fortunately, He's given me everything I need. He's given me His word, His Spirit, and Himself, to commune with in prayer. 


Learn from my mistake, dear friend. In case you're wondering, I deleted that movie from my computer a few minutes ago, and I can't go back. I'm not going to go back. School starts back up in a week, and I want to begin it well, and make it a profitable year. There will be challenges, times when I'm tired, worn out, or just really don't want to keep giving. But I know that my strength comes from the Lord, and that reservoir will never run out. 


So Lord, bring me low as often as you need to. If I need to be brought low so that You can be lifted up, do it as often as need be. As You showed me in 2 Corinthians 5:15 today, Your love is what holds me together. 




I really don't know who reads this blog, but I'm praying that my testimony will encourage someone to make the right decision in something they have right now or soon. Really: I'm praying for you. Two verses later, in 5:17, Paul says that, "If anyone is in Christ, . . . old things are passed away, and behold, all things are becoming new!"


Sometimes I just have to get my big head out the way in order for that to happen. 

Counseling at JH Camp last week

Last week I was a counselor at Junior High camp up at IRBC in Clear Lake, IA. Let me tell you, it was an absolute blast, but it was also a learning curve, a new experience, and highly profitable. 


I'm used to seeking out people who are LIKE me to befriend for our mutual benefit, but last week I was given charge of 8 young guys who were very much not like me. Some were quiet, some were boisterous, some were shy, some were annoyingly forthright, and everything in between,  but they each came with their own set of circumstances and needs. They each needed to learn something about how to become like Christ, and they were definitely in 8 different levels of spiritual maturity. So I guess in that sense, I got a small taste of what it's going to be like trying to teach something to a congregation of people who are all on differing spiritual levels. 


I really love young guys at that age; they're old enough to have some maturation under their belt, and know that they are beginning to grow up, but they're still young enough to be really moldable and impressionable, and to not quite have the attitude problems that we all seem to get in the high school age. A couple of the guys in my cabin came back after the evening services under conviction that they weren't following the Lord's will in their lives, and both of them said that the Lord had been working on their hearts regarding the possibility of vocational ministry one day. As per their age, of course they didn't know for sure that they were being called there, but it really was amazing to see their hearts, open to what the Lord has for them. 


I remember when I was that age, going back after the service to Daniel Capon for counsel regarding my own problems, and for him to be there with another cabin was just cool. It sort of gave me a lurch in my stomach each time one of my guys would stand up to come back, knowing the weight of what my words to them could hold. But the Lord's grace is always there, and He gave some more of it each time to say what I believe those young men needed to hear. As I told each of them, the Lord doesn't ask for ability so much as He asks for availability. 


As for the rest of the week and its activities, I spent a lot of time doing different things with my group and a lot of time doing things either with my college friends or alone. I got to take the jet ski out 3 times, twice with one of my guys and once with Laura, my sister. Of course I went down the zip line and played all the games and went in the mud pit (which was gross, but well, ok, it's over), and I spent a fair bit of time down at the archery range with Job, but the most meaningful time of my day came just before the evening service. It always started at 8:15, but at 7:30 they had a time of prayer specifically for the service. I usually went a bit earlier than that and read a book for awhile, just to quiet down, then prayed with Pastor Earle from Harlan (who is the pastor of most of the guys in my cabin and was the evening speaker for the week), and finally prayed by myself for each of the guys in my cabin. I loved having the time set aside specifically for prayer, and I realize to a greater extent how necessary it is as a pastor. 


I loved the overall emphasis of the need to build our lives on a firm foundation, namely the Bible. It was cool how it worked out with what most of the guys said on their "information sheets" that they filled out for me. Most of them said some variation of "needing to read the bible" either more or deeper, in response to the question "What is your biggest spiritual need right now?" It made it really easy to tie everything together. 


All in all, it was a great week and I'm a little bit sad that I can't go back and counsel for Senior High, but such is life. I absolutely cannot believe that school starts back up in like 4 weeks from yesterday! Man oh man, where did the time go? It's been an insanely busy summer, but also a very profitable one, and I'm looking forward to being back at school in just a few short weeks, after two more weeks of work, two weeks of vacation, then preaching one last time (both services on the 14th!) and wow, back to the books! 

I want to die.

No, I personally don't, but I've read that statement more times than I wish was true. 

Sometimes when I'm bored, I surf the internet looking at sites related to MLIA, often with stories/snippets from peoples' lives. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're witty, but sometimes they're sad, and some of them make my heart ache. Like this one:

"I want to die. I refuse to sleep most nights because of the nightmares I have. My fake smiles have become so good that even the person who used to see through them can't tell anymore. Someone help me because I'm about to lose it. And everyone is too focused on their own problems to see it. "

I have no idea who wrote that. But I do know that somewhere, someone is hurting, and I desperately want to help them. I want to make a difference! 

I don't really care if I have famous accolades, drive a Lexus, write books, and have a name that everyone recognizes, but I want to make a difference in peoples' lives. 

How, oh how on earth do I do that the best? By faithfully plodding along in the task to which God has called me. 

I'm doing my internship this summer, as many of you know, at my home church in Carroll, IA. Each week Pastor and I get together and talk for about two hours, and during the course of one of our chats, we got to talking about difficulties a church has. After we talked about that subject for awhile, he leaned back and asked, with a hint of a smile, "So, do you still want to do this; be a pastor, that is?" I said to him, "I know that this is what God has called me to do, but to tell you the truth, it scares me to death. . . ."

"GOOD!" he replied almost before I had finished. "If you ever lose either one of those thoughts, it's time to look for another line of work." 

This is how I want to make a difference. By seeking to live with integrity and discernment, by loving people as they come my way, by preaching His powerful Word at every opportunity I'm given, and by faithfully serving as I see opportunity. 

Dear friend, find what God has called you to do. Then, don't lose focus on the goal; don't miss the forest for the trees, but don't miss the trees for the forest either, and put your all into your task, and God will richly bless. 

My W.I.L.D. trip.

I've heard it said that, "Apathy is the most powerful force in the universe."


And you know, I'm inclined to think that it's true. When someone loves you, and you don't care, does it really matter? When someone gives you ultimate grace in dying for you, and you don't care, does it really matter?


Two weeks ago my apathy was encompassingly pervasive. I felt like I felt nothing toward God. Yeah, I was still putting on a good show, but in my heart I was finding it extremely difficult to care. At all. Going to college at Faith is really good for teaching me a lot about God, but it's still my own responsibility to learn to know God, and I was pretty much failing at it. 


And then I went on a trip. To Canada, of all places. Ben Marx has been talking about it nonstop since he went last year, and I figured it would be really good for me to try as well. I figured that, at least, it couldn't hurt; at best it could change my life. And though it wasn't like a paradigm shift for me, it did provide the time to simply stop and reflect on my life, something that was terribly missing before. It gave me the time away from the cell phone and ipod and computer and people and stuff and stuff and more stuff. 


It went from Saturday the 14th to Friday the 20th of May. Saturday and Sunday were actually spent in class, learning a bunch of things to which I probably should have paid better attention. The taught us "the learning cycle" which I didn't really try to understand and a bunch of other smaller things that I had trouble caring about. Then came Monday morning! We traveled to Algonquin State Park in Ontario and put our canoes in the water and shoved off.


And thus began the most incredible five days of my life. I've had good experiences before, things that I will never forget, but those five days taught me things I don't think I could forget if I tried. I don't have time/space to go into them all here, nor do they all apply to people other than me, but I want to tell you of the one that really helped me the most. 
We canoed in for two days, which was a new experience for me, since you obviously can't canoe across land, so we had to carry the canoes on our shoulders, which is called portaging, which I actually used as an illustration in Sunday School this morning, but that's beside the point. The third day, Wednesday, we did this thing they call Solo Day, which is basically what it sounds like. 


Base camp was on the northern point of a peninsula jutting out into a huge lake. Three of us took a canoe and paddled across to the west about 1500 meters or so to a large island, and from there we went our separate directions, one near the canoe, one going south a bit, and I went north. I found this rock outcropping that was pretty much on the north edge of the island, separated by a small channel that I had to walk through. It was just a small island about 60 feet long and 30 feet wide. It was gorgeous!


I spent about eight hours there. No food, no distractions; just a water bottle and my bible and a notebook, sitting on a rock for eight hours. What to do, what to do?


I went up there knowing that my apathy was something that needed to change. I made it my goal for the week that I wanted to learn to love God, but I had no idea how that would take form. But I realized, sitting on that rock, a very simple truth. Love for God isn't something that just happens. Strange as it may seem that I hadn't thought of this before, it's true, and that simple truth is what God showed me. So what to do about it? Well, obviously if it doesn't just happen, I've got to be intentional about it. 


I used an illustration this morning about a tree that grows on a mountain. Those trees in the valley have all the others to help dissipate the wind of the storm, but the tree on the mountain has to grow strong or it dies, and the only way to grow strong is to be firmly rooted. Well, what are my roots in? Pretty sure that when they're in my own strength, my own discipline, my own pride, I'm not very strong, and looking back, that's exactly where they were. The only way I'm going to grow strong enough to handle the storms that God allows to come my way are if I grow in His strength. 


Yeah, yeah, that's a concept. Growing in God's strength. But how do I actually DO that? And that's what God helped me to see, sitting on that rock. True faith is active. True faith isn't just a concept. True faith isn't treating God as a grandpa to go visit every Sunday, which is what I've been doing for a very long time. True faith is active, being insatiably thirsty for God's word and God's presence. True faith, unfortunately though, is very hard to keep up. At least for me. 


So how do I keep being dissatisfied with where I am in my spiritual walk? How do I keep from becoming contented with where I am? It's only been two weeks, but it didn't take very long to see that my apathy isn't something that just gets erased because I sat on a rock in Canada and finally figured out a couple of things. I think it comes from not treating God as a concept, as an idea, but as the omnipresent being that he is. Not only is he here, with me, right now, but as David wrote in Psalm 139, the thoughts that he thinks toward us are more in number than the sand. Not just the sand of the sea, but of the sand, period. Like, of the planet. 


That's a lot. And since my God is a god of infinite love, every one of those thoughts has my good as its purpose. And here's what gets me: Romans 5:8. While I was a sinner, he died for me. And he still loves me, even when I take all that he's done for me and I throw it back in his face like so much crap. I don't like that word, but that's what I treat it like. But God... 


Has every day in the last two weeks been marked by upward spiritual growth, greater contentment in my God, deeper spiritual blessing in my devotion? Uhhhh, no. I'm still apathetic. But guess what? Being that tree on the mountain doesn't come in two weeks. It takes a lot of time to grow strong. But there's a way to speed up the process, isn't there?


Lord, I really don't like saying this, since You answer every time, but do what you need to to break the apathy of my heart. 


Bring on the storm...

Outpouring, Philippians 1:1-4

I've had a concept recently that I've been thinking through, and it has struck me as somewhat profound, though often overlooked in its simplicity. 
It's the difference between outgoing and outpouring. By nature, I'm not a very outgoing person; if I had my way I would sit and read most of the time. But as a christian, I'm commanded to pour my life out into the lives of others in every way I can, and you are as well. Pastor Capon preached from Philippians 2:1-4 in Sunday School this morning, and vv. 3-4 really struck me. 
"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others."
Wow, there is so much to digest there, but let me show you a couple of things he showed us, and tie it in with my previous thoughts. 
Every sin is a direct result to my lack of walk with God. It is a looking in the wrong direction. When I'm focused on how close to the line I can get, wherever I or God may draw that line, not only is that dangerous, but it is also focused in the wrong direction. I'm focused backward, toward my sin, my line, and how closely I can step to it without going over it. But when I'm walking with God, wanting his will for every detail of my life, it really doesn't matter where the line is drawn because it's behind me; I'm not stepping toward it. I'm stepping toward nearness with my Father, walking toward ever increasing sanctification, and so it doesn't matter where that line behind me is. 
On a more personal level, I think that every (or at least almost every) sin can be traced back to pride. It may take different forms, but every sin is a result of looking in the wrong direction, and that direction is inward. Sanctification can be defined as applying the truth of God's word to the details of life, and when I apply this verse, I can do nothing but change toward looking outward---"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or deceit." Pride. 
That's not to say we don't take care of ourselves. "Look out not only for his own interests, but also the interests of others." That means that our primary focus should be outward and upward, but we need to not neglect our own interests. Our culture tends to take this way too far, and so sometimes we swing the pendulum back too far the other way and don't take enough care of ourselves. We need to take care of ourselves physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. For me, this means trying to have a healthy attitude toward eating and exercise, keeping my body physically fit; reading as much as I can of good, solid books to keep my mind sharp; spending my time with others, caring about their lives to be of use socially; and being in God's word and in prayer to upkeep my health spiritually. And yes, each of those could be expanded into a book, and they probably have been, and that's not the purpose of this post, but it is important to examine oneself and seek balance in each of those areas. 
So back to the purpose: outpouring oneself. What is the purpose of doing so? How is the question why answered? That's answered in vv. 1-2. "If (or more accurately, since) there is any comfort of love, any fellowship of the Spirit, any affection and mercy...." Which means that there is indeed such things, and because of them we ought to do nothing because of pride. Because God has given us the blessings of loving comfort, fellowship with believers, affection, and, oh how much!, ---mercy. Abundant, abounding, flowing mercy. Because of those things, how can we be focused on ourselves? 
And also, in vs. 2, "fulfill my joy..." By not living in unity, by being selfish and conceited, the believers in Philippi were robbing Paul of joy. Not to say they had brought him no joy at all; one can hardly read his letter to them without getting a sense of his affection for them, but there was one more thing they needed to work on to bring his joy to completion, and that was choosing to live in the absence of pride. May we ever do the same. 


In fact, that's the purpose of our having the NT; to point us to Christ. And how does that work itself out into our lives? By showing us how to be like him, and in this case, our core need to choose to live in the absence of pride, as nearly like Christ as we can on this earth.