This is one of those moments in my life where I feel so full of gratitude and contentment that I just want to tell someone, and I thought, why not share it here?

So let me tell you about my last few days. As you know, I've been working for a company called Advanced Problem Solutions. It's run by Rod Brace, who is my uncle's brother. (yes I know, you're doing the whole O_o face. His brother married my dad's sister. Clear as mud? Ok) I started in January when I moved over here to Ankeny, and for the first three months or so, I was able to average over 50 hours a week. It's been crazy fun, both with what the job is and who my boss is. The job is repair and construction on pretty much anything. Rod has all the master's licenses in Iowa, which translates into him basically being good at everything. Couple that with his attitude toward life, which is "pedal to the metal, never let fear or common sense slow you down, eat and sleep when you're dead, live life and love God to the fullest," and I had my work cut out for me to be able to keep up. I set my mind to the task and poured my energy into it, and I've learned a whole bunch of stuff about a whole bunch of stuff I never thought of before. It's been a blast!

And then about three weeks ago or so, he started not having as much for me to do. Which is understandable, of course. A lot of the work he does is refrigeration, and to be able to keep up, I have to be certified in refrigeration, which I'm not, and it takes a long time to get certified. And he just honestly didn't have time to find work for me to do, with my somewhat limited skills. So the last three weeks have been really boring, honestly. I've had some work, but not enough to keep me busy, and one thing I've grown to hate is just sitting on my hands. I want my time to be profitable, and I've had less than 40 hours in the last 3 weeks combined. 

Which also tends to hurt the ole' financial area too, ya know? It hit me all of a sudden, "um, those numbers are getting depleted really quickly..." And over the course of a few days, things were sort of starting to look a bit bleak. I had a job that wasn't able to give me hours and bills were coming due. Bills. . . . haven't had too many of those before. Amazing how different it is when you really don't have Dad and Mom to fall back on. I spoke last night in church from James 1:5-8, and James really spoke into my situation.

He says in verse 5 that if we lack wisdom, the solution is to simply ask the God who gives so liberally and without grudging. He has both the means and the desire to give us the riches of his wisdom, and all we need to do is ask. Ask in faith, with no doubting, James tells us. Boiled down:

Pray dangerously. 

In the first few verses, James tells us to count it as good when trials come into our lives. Choose to see beyond the circumstances that are clamoring for our attention, look past that and remember the reason they come, and that is this: the testing of our faith produces patience, and patience over time will bring you to maturity. And then in the verses right after that, he says to ask for that. 

wait...

Ask. . . for the trials? For the testing? Umm, not sure I want to do that, James. Okay, I want wisdom, but I'm not sure God knows what He's doing when it comes to what I really actually need in order to get that wisdom, you know? God, well, he likes to give me things that are, well . . . hard :/ 
And James, in his quiet manner, tells us to ask in faith, without doubting. Don't doubt, my brothers, that God knows what he's doing. And it's important for you to become mature. It's important for you to grow closer to God, but God uses what he chooses to accomplish that, and you can trust that the God of the universe is the God who is near. He loves you, and will only ever give you what is best for you. Not what is easiest---what is best. 

And while I was in the preparation to speak on that last night, I remembered that, oh yeah, I prayed a prayer like that a few weeks ago. Yes, I prayed that God would teach me how to trust in Him more fully, how to not be dependent on the correct lining up of my circumstances to have solidity in my life. And at some point or another, that I would learn financial discipline. 

God has a way of not answering that request right away. Funny, how a request for patience doesn't come right away. But I realized that I had prayed for that, and I believe the last couple of weeks have been an answer to that. God uses means to accomplish his will, not lightning zaps. He uses people and circumstances to teach us things that would probably just get lost in the busyness of life if we just realized them. Sometimes, God can be annoying. He likes to interrupt MY life. He likes to mess up the neat plans I make and pull me out of my comfort zone. Oh, I think that was what else I prayed. God, don't let me stay in my comfort zone. 

Pray dangerously, my friend. 

Because God also has a way of blessing that prayer, and when you look back, you also will find that He isn't a God who skimps. Remember? Ask of God who gives liberally. 

I was finally able to get a hold of Rod last night, and we were able to talk for a few minutes about the whole situation, and he told me to go ahead and start looking for a full-time job and keep doing the preventive maintenance for him. So that's been my day; I had two PM calls this morning, got those done, then I put in an application to Home Depot and a security company down in Des Moines. And then I came back here I was looking on Craigslist to see if anyone had some short term work, and I put in about four more apps to various places. And I keep randomly laughing now, because of God's clear hand when you need it the most. 

On my way down to the security company, I told God, "Okay, last time I started out trying to put in a bunch of applications and do all this work, and when I got turned down a bunch of times, then I said Okay, I'll trust you now. Let's start this time different, and I'm going to trust you and then put in all my apps and time and work and all that." And guess what? An hour ago I got a call with a job offer starting Monday, with more pay than I'm worth. 

So God has taught me a lesson and once again proven to me that He will always take care of His own. Yes, there's still a possibility this won't pan out, but I'm not really that worried. First of all, because I hate living by a long-term plan, but secondly, because I serve a God who loves me and takes care of me, and in that knowledge, I find solidity in all of the annoying and upsetting circumstances I've faced thus far. 

So pray dangerously, and God will answer. Those are my thoughts today. 

Life lessons for a man

As is typical, I can't remember where I read these, but I copied and pasted and I've read through the list a few times, and they come to mind from time to time. And keep in mind, of course, that it's a secular list, but there is wisdom here.

It begins by saying, "Your father probably told you a thing or two, but just in case he wasn't around enough, here are some words of wisdom you might have missed out on:

-- Buy high quality tools, so you only have to buy them once.

-- Keep a change of clothes at the office.

-- Never hit anyone unless they pose an immediate threat.

-- Every hat should serve a purpose.

-- Never take her to the movies on the first date.

-- Learn to wet shave.

-- Few things make you look better than a well-tailored suit.

-- Shave with the grain on the first go-around.

-- Always look a person in the eye when you talk with them.

-- Buy a plunger before you need a plunger.

-- Exercise makes you happy. Run, lift, and play sports.

-- Eat whatever you want, but stop when you get full.

-- Brush your teeth before you put on your tie. 

-- A small amount of your paycheck should go directly into your savings account every month.

-- Call Mom and Dad every week.

-- Never wear a clip-on tie.

-- Give a firm handshake.

-- Compliment her shoes.

-- Never leave a pint unfinished.

-- If you aren't confident, fake it. It will come around.

-- You can tell the size of a man by the size of the things that bother him.

-- Be conscious of your body language.

-- The only reason to ever point a gun at someone is if you intend to shoot them. Period.

-- Always stand to shake someone's hand.

-- Ask more than you answer.

-- Go for women out of your league. You may end up surprised.

-- Manliness is not only about being able to take care of yourself, but others as well.

-- Go with the decision that makes for a good story.

-- When you walk, look straight ahead, not at your feet.

-- Nice guys don't finish last. Boring guys do. 

-- Find your passion and figure out how to get paid for it.

-- The most important thing you can learn is personal responsibility. Bad things happen; it's your job to overcome them.

-- The first one to get angry loses.

-- A man does what needs to be done without complaining.

-- Never stop learning.

-- Always go out in public dressed like you're about to meet the love of your life.

-- Don't change yourself just to make someone happy.

-- If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.

-- Luck favors the prepared.

-- Listen with intent to understand, not with intent to respond. 

-- Do whatever you want, but be the best at it.

-- No one is on their deathbed wishing they spent more time at work. 

Functional Christianity and the Pursuit of Selflessness

Next week begins something new for me, namely I've been asked to lead Wednesday nights down at Calvary for the foreseeable future. Last time I spoke with any regularity anywhere was during my internship a couple of summers ago at my home church in Carroll, and that was an extremely stretching experience. 

I may have touched on it before, but God used that experience to really start to crack my stone heart. When I went on WILD to Canada the beginning of the summer, I realized that my love for God is a choice. I was expecting it to be a lightning strike, and suddenly, amazingly, I would have this great love for God, and I came back from that trip really on a spiritual high and started right into my internship. I was given the opportunity to preach once a week for ten weeks straight, and about the 6th week or so, I was about halfway through my message, and the thought came into my head, "Okay man, I am boring myself." The people in my church were so gracious about it all, but it showed me very plainly that the spiritual reservoir inside me wasn't quite as deep as I thought it was. Pastor wisely had allowed me to come to that point, and God really used it to make me realize that my love for Him wasn't just a choice; it was a choice I had to keep making. 

It's not a once-in-a-lifetime choice, nor is it even a spiritual summit choice. I'd rather use the illustration of walking, where it is a choice I must make each day, each hour, with each step I take. Am I actively looking for opportunities to share Christ with my coworkers, my clients, my friends, and my family? Do I love Christ enough to functionally not be ashamed of Him? 

And that's what I'd like to speak about for a little bit at church: Functional Christianity and the Pursuit of Selflessness. It's a big title with a world of meaning behind it. Here are a few of my thoughts I'd like to begin with.


What does your Christianity cost you? 
I am convinced that the vast majority of Christians-so-named go to church because it's convenient and socially acceptable. Let me expound: In our culture (nation, not just Christian) it is acceptable to be a Christian still. With post-Modernism, it's not as acceptable for you to believe that Christ is the ONLY way to Heaven, but to go to church and dress up and carry your bible and be in church on Sunday mornings is absolutely perfectly acceptable. We get our time in, do our thing, go out for a nice lunch after services, and we've got our God fix for the week. Now among the Christian culture, it's sort of looked down upon with disapproving eyes if you skip church (unless you're throwing up or whatever), but thankfully, it's actually fairly convenient to put our time in. It takes a modicum of discipline to get up in time for the whole family to get ready for the service, but really, it feels quite nice to get a compliment on your dress or your new shoes or your special music, doesn't it? 

But it doesn't cost you much. I've poured so much energy into people trying to get them to come to more than ONE SERVICE A WEEK. But I can't change their hearts. I can't make them choose to be faithful. Church isn't about getting your God fix for the week. As Jason Gray sang, "It's more like falling in love than something to believe in, more like losing my heart than giving my allegiance." 
I think I can safely say that if you're the type of person who gives the bare minimum to your church, your Christianity isn't all that important to you. If you're really in love with the God who gave his actual son for you, if you love that God, you will love his people. You'll want to spend time with them, and it won't matter if they compliment you on your dress or your suit. I know that may step on some toes, and I really hope it does, and wakes someone up. Your church ought to be important to you; fellowship with the people of God ought to be important to you. It doesn't matter what you grew up with, what your parents taught you to do. You make the choice for yourself. YOU choose whether or not to be faithful. And please, my dear friend, start now. The choices you make now will create who you are in the future. Become a man or woman of God who is sold out for Him, who is falling in love with your God. 

And it's not just about your attendance in church. I want you to ask yourself if your Christianity actually costs you something you deem worthy of giving up. Being in church only costs you some time, maybe some money in offerings and expenses to get there, but are those things that are really important to you? Let me ask you this: when was the last time you shared Christ with someone? And if it was recently, don't puff out your chest just yet. When was the time before that? Yes, I know, I'm pointing three fingers at myself when I point one at you, but come with me and let's consider: is Christ really an integral part of our lives? He gave his life for us, WE who were unworthy, unlovable, filthy and prideful, he died for us. Do we at least have the selflessness to live for him? Does it cost you even a little bit of your pride? Does it cost you having someone like you? Not just what are you willing to give up for him; what have you given up for him? It's not about theory; it's about action. Thus, functional Christianity. 


That brings me to the other side of it, that of the pursuit of selflessness. A long time ago, I realized that every sin can be traced back to pride in some form or other. Wanting a toy = pleasure = self-fulfillment = pride. Arguing = the need to be right = self-building-up = pride. Not sharing the gospel = fear/excuses/negligence = self self self = pride. See the pattern? Okay. So pride is the root cause of all sin, or all that's coming to mind at the moment. And the opposite of pride is . . . humility. It's about turning your focus off yourself and pointing your eyes to something and Someone who is better. We know this; we've heard it since we were children (if you grew up in church. If not, it's still true of course). And this living selflessly thing, it has its benefits. Lack of fear, for one thing. If your focus isn't on yourself, you won't have the reflex of self-preservation, which is really what fear is. Contentment and peace, for another. If what you live for is to know Christ and Him crucified, to know and follow his will, and not have the need to be in control of it all, you won't be worrying about the little things that worry so many, and you won't have the unrest that comes from fretting about it all. I've heard it described as this, "Even when the entire world around you is raging like the thirty foot swells on the ocean in a storm, and you're in a life raft holding a cup of water, your own cup is still." You're not thrown about by the circumstances around you. You're not tossed into a tizzy because of the unknown. The peace inside yourself comes from something so much better than knowing it all. It comes from trusting in the One who does. 

I'm sure when you read this faster than I'm typing, there'll be some spots that aren't filled in, but you get the big picture: A Christianity without action is worthless, and to get there you have to be selfless. 

But that leaves out one crucial step, and that is the step between theory and action. Right now these are just words on a screen, thoughts that flow from my head into the keyboard, off the screen and into your head. You may agree with them. You may want to do them. You may hope for this life. You may think, "Yes, I want a Christianity that works and a life that isn't wasted." But this step is the hardest. And I want to help spur you into taking this step. 

JUST DO IT.

Yes, I shamelessly just used Nike's slogan. But they've got something, really. How many times have you been thinking, "Man, I really should go run. I really ought to read that book. I should talk to him about Christ. I need to clean my room and wash the dishes," and then you went and spent three hours surfing the internet and/or watching tv. (For the record, I think tv is one of the most worthless things a Christian can spend his time doing. Use it to relax a little after a long day, but if it doesn't help you get closer to Christ, seriously, cut it out of your life.)

And that kind of is my last point. I used a word earlier; perhaps you caught it. EXCUSES. 
We make excuses. When we know we should do something and we don't want to do it (selfishness coming in again), so we make excuses. In our jobs, in our school, in our relationships, and most of all in our Christianity. And it needs to end. And that end starts with you, my friend. Quit making excuses not to do what you know is right, because I am convinced that you will never grow closer to God than those excuses. Let me reiterate: "YOU WILL NEVER GROW CLOSER TO GOD THAN THE EXCUSES YOU MAKE NOT TO DO THE RIGHT THING." Get up off your rear and go run. Cut out half an hour of tv and read your bible and a good commentary. It's okay to start small if you start. 

There is so much more here, such as the way God often uses pain in our lives to kind of supersede our excuses and force us closer to Him, but this is probably enough to digest for now. Oh and by the way, if you're in the category of one who doesn't go to church on Wednesday nights, then why don't you come join us this next week? And if you're in the category of one who should be there and you make excuses, then why don't you let that be one of the first things you choose not to make an excuse for, and come join us? Come join us in the house of God as we worship together and study His word and consciously choose to fall in love with Him. 

It's okay to start small if you start. 




www.calvarybaptistwest.com
(my email) The7words@live.com
(my number) 712/579-5754

WinterJam 2013

Wow, my I have so much spinning through my head right now. For one thing, I'm in a very different place than I would have expected two years ago, in all of life but especially musically speaking. I just got back from WinterJam, which is a tour of several Christian musicians who tour together across the US. And I was able to go with two of the sweetest girls I know, two whose hearts beat to serve the Lord. Holly is one with whom I go to church down at Calvary in WDM, and she's one of the most faithful people I know, one of those behind-the-scenes people who do a lot, but you don't often see them doing it. For one thing, she's in charge of the bulletin, and she's always got it done in good time, ready to go for Sunday morning and all that. She's always at church except when her job requires her to be elsewhere, and doesn't make excuses to miss being with the people of God or to find ways around her responsibilities at church. Stacey is the other one I went with tonight; she's one of those friends I've known forever, and don't really remember when I met her. She's one of those who gives selflessly to those less fortunate, one of the most civically minded people I know. She's one who puts feet to her faith, always looking for opportunities to help anyone who needs it, especially those who don't know where else to look anymore (the homeless, the hungry, the poor and needy). 

(This is outside as we were walking back to the car; there's this statue of hands that you can't see very well lol)

A couple of weeks ago, I bought TobyMac's new CD called Eye On It, and I've been listening to it since then. I took a trip to Memphis to see my old voice teacher, Mr. Knudsen, and on the 10-hour trips there and back, I got to know the music pretty well, and I really like the attitude he puts forward in it. Toby McKeehan is a pretty well known artist who has done very well, and yet he attributes all the glory that's directed toward him directly upward. He comes across as a very selfless individual, and the songs in this CD are, as the title suggests, about pursuing something higher than our own glory and fame.

So this concert is made of many artists, although he's the one who has the most time in it. Newsong was there, Jamie Grace, Matthew West, Jason Castro, etc. And one group I've never heard before tonight, and I'm convinced they are the worst "Christian" artist I've ever heard. The only thing I've ever heard of them is from a friend in college saying "They're so good!" And that comment started me down a journey of thought about what makes an artist or a preacher or a Christian good? Who decides whether they're good or bad, talented or not? And I've come to the conclusion that it's about the connection between faith and life, between doctrine and doing, between Divinity and humanity, between being a hearer of the Word and being a doer of it. 

But to narrow it down to just musicians for now, I do want to say that I think I've been on both sides of the block enough to at least have a clue what I'm talking about. Think of the most conservative person you know, musically speaking. I was more. Those who knew me a couple of years ago remember that even the rock rhythm would make me angry. I hated it with a burning passion. I thought that rock was the devil's passion made physical. I'm serious. 

I've also been on the other side, where I truly liked secular music (Lady GaGa, Beyonce, Jason Derulo, all the Top40 artists, etc), even though I kept that fact hidden from most of my friends and family. 

I also took voice lessons for six years. Not just singing lessons or music lessons, but voice lessons, so I do actually know what good vocality is (even though I can't actually perform it, I do know what it is). That all is only to give credibility to what I say next.

Red is the worst artist I've ever heard. My personal standard for what constitutes "good" music is excellence. Does the musician do what he (or she) does WITH EXCELLENCE? As far as method of music and their own particular slant on what they write and sing is all within the bounds of personal preference, which is why there's disagreement on who is "good" and who is "bad." Follow? But Red is absolutely terrible vocally. I'm willing to grant them that they have more energy and passion than any performer or artist I've ever heard, and perhaps they mean well, but they don't sing. They scream. And okay, that's what heavy metal is, but if they intend to sing about our great God, shouldn't they be understood? I wrote that down in my phone while they were singing. "What's the point in singing if you can't be understood? Tons of energy and zero, absolutely zero, applicable content." In the four songs they, well….screamed, I understood exactly two words. 

Which kind of brings me to the point of it all. If we have a message, shouldn't we attempt to be understood? Maybe RED has some great content in the songs. I honestly don't know, because I couldn't understand them, which I believe makes an artist worthless. Pointless and worthless. They may as well have stayed home eating potato chips on the couch. TobyMac also had some awesome energy in his music, and there were a couple of times he was harder to understand, but his message was both loud AND clear. You've got to have both! And he did. And singing along, I had some of the most fun I've had for awhile : )

(And this is a fairly blurry picture (sorry) of TM absolutely bringing it! Both passion and doctrine melded together in one of the most exciting displays of giving the glory to God I've ever seen!)

I really enjoyed the concert tonight! Having kind of come full circle with my music tastes, I feel like I can enjoy what is really good with a more critical eye, and when something is actually good, I enjoy it more because I know what separates it from the bad. And that separation is constituted by the question of connection, as I said, between faith and life, between knowing and doing, between speaking and being understood. If you've got a message, which at its base is what music is, then you ought to do everything in your power to make that message understandable. 

This isn't the place for debate, and if you disagree, you're entitled to your opinion as much as I am. In this realm, we don't stand on doctrine, but on personal opinion and perspective. Of course it's always good to try as much as possible to make your perspective line up with actual truth, and there are ways to go about that, and I hope and pray that you do, and when you do, we can pursue truth and godliness together, which is one of the great blessings in life, is it not? Thank you as always for taking the time to read these few paragraphs and my thoughts about the concert tonight. I was blessed by it and reminded more about my God through it, and though I swayed from that topic for a bit, that's the point of it all. Music points. It directs and guides and influences. It's a language, one which (the majority of) the artists tonight used skillfully to point our hearts and minds and emotions and thoughts toward our Savior. I do pray for you, dear Reader, that you know Him as I do. Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, as I do? If not, I invite you to come and join us. Life really is worthless and pointless without Christ, but with him! Oh, with him, he gives life, and not just life, but as….was it James who said? "He came that we might have life, and that we might have it more abundantly!" Come, dear Reader, and join me in this pursuit of our Savior, toward living each day fully and adoring our dear Father together. 

And that is satisfaction : )

A bird-eye view of my last few months

I have found joy, in a place I never expected to find it. My dearest and greatest joy is to be able to enter into both the laughter and the tears of another person, and be able to look them in the eye and tell them, "I've been where you are. I've felt the searing pain, the uncertainty, and the unthinkable thoughts that you feel and think now, and I can tell you, with experiential certainty, that our God is good through it all."

If you are near my life at all, you know that God allowed my engagement to come to an end about six months ago. This isn't the place for details, but I want to share some of the things that God has taught me through the whole experience. 

The first and biggest is just the incredible change He has wrought in me. For many years I pursued a certain sin, and that pursuit formed a stone around my heart. My parents knew about it, and from time to time they would ask me about it. I always committed myself to never telling a lie. (Right now, I can tell you specifically the two lies I've told in the last fifteen years) However, I got really good at not having to tell the truth; you know what I mean? I got really good at reading people, specifically my parents, at knowing what they were thinking, at guiding conversations, at being vague enough to never get myself in real trouble. I got really good at rationalizing everything, at analyzing everything. The whole pursuit, like I said, was something I could NOT do in the Holy Spirit's power; I had to quench his influence in my life, and as I said, harden my heart. Over time, many years, I allowed a stone to form around my heart. 

I'm going to skip a lot of the in-between details here, and I know this is a racing-past view of everything, but the time may come for more. But about six months ago, I finally came to an all-out head-on collision with staring my sin in the face, and I finally didn't look away. 

I was engaged to be married to a woman I loved, and yet I had this sin that I couldn't seem to fully shake. It was a Thursday night. I went running, as I often do, late at night; I think I left about 11. Typically I run a slower two miles, but this night I ran a hard half mile, up to the top of the next hill. I set out, and ran at an almost sprint for that uphill quarter mile. 

I had been reading Ezekiel 36, and there is a verse in that chapter that basically God says, "Israel is going to see their sin, and they will loathe themselves for it." That was where I was that night. I looked into myself, past the facade that everyone saw, past the walls that my closer friends weren't allowed past, into the inner closets that even Dana wasn't allowed in, and I saw the blackness and the putrefying grossness that I kept there, and I knew that what everyone else saw was fake. This was who I really was, and I utterly despised myself for it. I abhorred myself and I loathed that I kept all this in my life.

I stopped running at the top of that hill, under the full moon, and fell to my knees in the gravel, and I prayed the only truly selfless prayer I think I've ever prayed. I literally cried out to God with everything I had in me, "God, take from me whatever you must; take this personality I've cultivated for so long, take away my possessions and my family; God, take from me the woman I hold most dear, if you must. But my God, give...me...a...heart...that...loves...You."

Right now I don't remember what happened after that. But that was Thursday. On Saturday, Dana met with a friend, and I knew that after that meeting, she would have a lot on her mind. But what struck me as odd was that she didn't say I love you that night as we said good night. I figured she just had a lot on her mind, but when she didn't say it the subsequent nights either, I knew that something was wrong. She wanted to talk in person, but since she was in Ohio and I was in Iowa, that would take some doing. But I was desperate; the woman I loved had stopped returning it, and that silence was astoundingly deafening. 

The human brain and body can take solitude and stillness, and in fact it's good to have that from time to time. But true silence, the brain can't handle it. There's a room that NASA made that baffles almost all sound, so it's like 99.978 (or something) true silence. The most highly trained people can stand to be in that room for only 45 minutes. Most people start to hallucinate after 10. 

That's what this felt like. It was like I was grasping out for any sound at all, any mention of what was going on, to try to make sense of this. And that silence, like I said, was deafening. After growing so used to the rhythmic sound of her love, the deprivation of it, the silence, was like the sound of a mighty waterfall pouring down around me. 

On Tuesday she said we really needed to talk, and that she would come out here on Saturday. I really didn't think I could wait five more days, so at 8 pm on that Tuesday, I left home for the 800 miles out there; I drove through the night, stopping just for fuel and for a few restless hours of sleep. I knew what was coming; there was only one answer for what she was doing, and in a way it didn't come as a surprise when she told me the next day, but it was that night, somewhere out on the lonely interstate, sometime in the early morning hours, that my heart broke. 

And I mean that in the most God-glorifyingly way possible. My heart broke. The shell that had been built up around my heart for the last twelve years, that heart of granite that God had been taking chips out of for the last few months, finally broke. It felt as though God took my entire world, and like the Hulk smashed Loki, he rocked my world and broke my heart into a thousand pieces. Or the shell of stone around my heart, anyway. 

So yeah, we went through the next couple of days, where we formally broke off our engagement, and I drove back home, and we both attempted to make sense of things, to find anything solid to hold on to. 

On a side note, when someone is grieving, they don't need logic. They don't need to know that "there are still other fish in the sea" or even that God has something better in mind. The people I remember most in the blur of the next few days are those very few who didn't use words. They simply came alongside me, entered into my grief, and showed me that they were purely and simply there. Those few that knew I needed to cry, and they wept with me. I truly hope that God gave her the same comfort. 

I've learned a lot about pain in the last few weeks and months. The pain of separation is one thing, but there is a sense in which it's easier. When a loved one dies or moves away, you still have that knowledge that, as long as it was in their power, they loved you. But the pain of rejection is unique. Not necessarily harder, but it is unique, and if you want to say to someone that you've been where they are, do make sure that you have actually been where they are. It's not very comforting when someone says that to you, and your only thought is, "What pain have you ever felt?" By the way, that's not a slam on anyone; my intent is to help you, dear reader, with how to help someone in the future who is hurting. That's my point with all of this. Don't give pious platitudes. By all means, by NO means, please please please don't try to make light of it, and help them feel better. That's never what a grieving person needs. They need something solid, and since the only solid is Christ, that's what you need to point them to. You can be a physical representation to them of a God who is there, a God who is near. Learn to hug people. Learn to put a hand on their shoulder. When a person is grieving, appropriateness takes on different forms. A hug at another time can maybe be not the best thing, but when a person is in deep emotional pain, a firm embrace can be to them the most solid thing they will feel. Don't be afraid to give them that. 

And that's my point with a lot of this, that there were a few people who didn't try to reason with my pain, didn't try to show me that they understood, but simply pointed me to Christ and showed me that they loved me. That was enough : )

I've also learned a lot about fear. I told you about that night, out in the middle of somewhere, where my shell of stone broke. The next few days, I felt absolutely RAW. I felt as though...well, you know when you peel a scab off a wound? And afterward, there's fresh, new, naked skin underneath that's never been exposed to the air and the water and all? It was like my heart was like that. There was this sense of aliveness that I used to feel as a kid, but I really had lost it. My life was a machine, apathetic, grinding through the days and months and classes and work. And God used the silence from a human love I was placing my hope in to break down that false hope and show me where to put it, in a place where it will never fail me. For me, right now and for the last many months, I can honestly and fully tell you that God is enough for me. And that knowledge, that trust, is something that is so very liberating. 

I haven't had physical fear for some time. I've internally made fun of people who are afraid of mice or spiders or heights. (Mind over matter and all that) But this, this is something new. This isn't just a lack of fear, although that is there. I'm not afraid of the small things like snakes or heights or death or the unknown, but this in a way, is something on the other end. I have a desire to pursue LIFE! It's not about laws and rules anymore. It's not about coloring inside the lines; it's about seeing the picture : ) 

Yeah, I'm not stupid about it; I don't take needless risks or put myself pointlessly or needlessly in danger, and I'm very careful not to put others in danger, but I have grown to love that phrase in the Casting Crowns song: "RECKLESS ABANDON..." It's like, yeah I don't want to stupid and dangerous, but at the same time I want to live without worrying that I'm doing everything exactly as everyone wants me to. I want to live in such a way that I am pursuing God's will for my life at every turn, in every thought, knowing that He sees my heart and doesn't care so much about my method. 

I guess it's more like the other song, by Jeremy Camp, called "Reckless." Here are my favorite lyrics: 

I will not be afraid
To surrender my way
And follow who You are
I wanna be reckless

This isn't coming across clearly, I think. But I hope you've caught at least the general drift of what I'm trying to say. Maybe another time I can expound a bit more on it. Boiled down, life isn't about staying inside the rules. It's about following hard after God. 

And that "following hard after God," that pursuit, doesn't have any need of fear and trepidation. Respect and reverence, of course as always, but there doesn't need to be that....well, really it's a nonsensical, illogical fear that so many people live their lives constantly in. But if you look at scripture, look at the men and women who accomplished great things for God. Look at David and Daniel and Joseph and Paul and James and Deborah and Rahab and Peter and John. They were people who pursued God's will, and they didn't have time to worry about the critiques of people; they cared only for the blessing and approval from their God. 

Oh and quickly, I want you to know that if you ever need to talk, if you need a listening ear or help making sense of things, I will always do my best to help you in that. You have my email and you can find me on Facebook, which also has my number. 

As always, I've wandered through my story, hitting on some major points and skipping some details and trying to show you, dear friend, what God has been teaching me lately. And lately, I have learned that my God isn't just a God who redeems us FROM our pain; he is also a God who will redeem us THROUGH our pain. He is sovereign and he is good. He knows what is best for us, and he cares enough for us to not spare us from those things which will make us most like him. 

His desire is that we each will grow into the image of his Son. He gives us the circumstances to mold us, the people to support us, the strength to empower us, and the Spirit to enliven us in and through this thing called LIFE! He desires that we stop just existing, as I did for so very long, and start living life to the fullest. 

Oh, how sweet is that verse! John 10:10, "I came that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly!" 

So take these thoughts, and now go LIVE!

Brought low. Again.

I'm continually amazed at how my God works. 


I just got in from my run and workout, and though I'm ashamed to admit it, I was planning to commit a sin that I've struggled with in the past. My thinking has not been right all day, even though I preached this morning. Funny, isn't it? I can preach a sermon (two, in fact) in which the main point was essentially to not focus on self. And then I get home, tired from preparation and a long few days, and I do exactly that. 


And not just feeling like I needed a nap, but I didn't guard my heart, and I let my thinking slide so far that by tonight, I was actually feeling like I deserved a reprieve from all this "spiritual stuff." I deserved to have some pleasure of my own. Can there be more selfish thinking?


Anyway, I was running, and the whole time I was fighting inside myself. I couldn't stare up at the beautiful moon because it reminded me of the God to whom I am accountable. I couldn't enjoy the beautiful shadows and the grass and the hum of the insects because I was focused on myself, on the fact that when I got back, I was going to get to watch a movie that I really shouldn't be watching. My heart was fighting; there was turmoil inside me so much that I could almost feel it. 


And then about halfway through my second mile, I literally could not take it anymore. A line kept rerunning through my head, something I said this morning when I preached: "There is nothing more detrimental to the cause of Christ than a hypocritical Christian." WHAT AM I DOING???
I stopped running, I must have stumbled a little bit, and I found myself on my knees, there in the middle of the gravel road. "Okay Lord, you win." 




I want to give of my best to the Master. And I can't do that when I'm keeping it for myself. Sin is anything that directs my focus onto myself. I'm going to need His help to stay focused on Him, but fortunately, He's given me everything I need. He's given me His word, His Spirit, and Himself, to commune with in prayer. 


Learn from my mistake, dear friend. In case you're wondering, I deleted that movie from my computer a few minutes ago, and I can't go back. I'm not going to go back. School starts back up in a week, and I want to begin it well, and make it a profitable year. There will be challenges, times when I'm tired, worn out, or just really don't want to keep giving. But I know that my strength comes from the Lord, and that reservoir will never run out. 


So Lord, bring me low as often as you need to. If I need to be brought low so that You can be lifted up, do it as often as need be. As You showed me in 2 Corinthians 5:15 today, Your love is what holds me together. 




I really don't know who reads this blog, but I'm praying that my testimony will encourage someone to make the right decision in something they have right now or soon. Really: I'm praying for you. Two verses later, in 5:17, Paul says that, "If anyone is in Christ, . . . old things are passed away, and behold, all things are becoming new!"


Sometimes I just have to get my big head out the way in order for that to happen. 

Counseling at JH Camp last week

Last week I was a counselor at Junior High camp up at IRBC in Clear Lake, IA. Let me tell you, it was an absolute blast, but it was also a learning curve, a new experience, and highly profitable. 


I'm used to seeking out people who are LIKE me to befriend for our mutual benefit, but last week I was given charge of 8 young guys who were very much not like me. Some were quiet, some were boisterous, some were shy, some were annoyingly forthright, and everything in between,  but they each came with their own set of circumstances and needs. They each needed to learn something about how to become like Christ, and they were definitely in 8 different levels of spiritual maturity. So I guess in that sense, I got a small taste of what it's going to be like trying to teach something to a congregation of people who are all on differing spiritual levels. 


I really love young guys at that age; they're old enough to have some maturation under their belt, and know that they are beginning to grow up, but they're still young enough to be really moldable and impressionable, and to not quite have the attitude problems that we all seem to get in the high school age. A couple of the guys in my cabin came back after the evening services under conviction that they weren't following the Lord's will in their lives, and both of them said that the Lord had been working on their hearts regarding the possibility of vocational ministry one day. As per their age, of course they didn't know for sure that they were being called there, but it really was amazing to see their hearts, open to what the Lord has for them. 


I remember when I was that age, going back after the service to Daniel Capon for counsel regarding my own problems, and for him to be there with another cabin was just cool. It sort of gave me a lurch in my stomach each time one of my guys would stand up to come back, knowing the weight of what my words to them could hold. But the Lord's grace is always there, and He gave some more of it each time to say what I believe those young men needed to hear. As I told each of them, the Lord doesn't ask for ability so much as He asks for availability. 


As for the rest of the week and its activities, I spent a lot of time doing different things with my group and a lot of time doing things either with my college friends or alone. I got to take the jet ski out 3 times, twice with one of my guys and once with Laura, my sister. Of course I went down the zip line and played all the games and went in the mud pit (which was gross, but well, ok, it's over), and I spent a fair bit of time down at the archery range with Job, but the most meaningful time of my day came just before the evening service. It always started at 8:15, but at 7:30 they had a time of prayer specifically for the service. I usually went a bit earlier than that and read a book for awhile, just to quiet down, then prayed with Pastor Earle from Harlan (who is the pastor of most of the guys in my cabin and was the evening speaker for the week), and finally prayed by myself for each of the guys in my cabin. I loved having the time set aside specifically for prayer, and I realize to a greater extent how necessary it is as a pastor. 


I loved the overall emphasis of the need to build our lives on a firm foundation, namely the Bible. It was cool how it worked out with what most of the guys said on their "information sheets" that they filled out for me. Most of them said some variation of "needing to read the bible" either more or deeper, in response to the question "What is your biggest spiritual need right now?" It made it really easy to tie everything together. 


All in all, it was a great week and I'm a little bit sad that I can't go back and counsel for Senior High, but such is life. I absolutely cannot believe that school starts back up in like 4 weeks from yesterday! Man oh man, where did the time go? It's been an insanely busy summer, but also a very profitable one, and I'm looking forward to being back at school in just a few short weeks, after two more weeks of work, two weeks of vacation, then preaching one last time (both services on the 14th!) and wow, back to the books!