Brought low. Again.

I'm continually amazed at how my God works. 


I just got in from my run and workout, and though I'm ashamed to admit it, I was planning to commit a sin that I've struggled with in the past. My thinking has not been right all day, even though I preached this morning. Funny, isn't it? I can preach a sermon (two, in fact) in which the main point was essentially to not focus on self. And then I get home, tired from preparation and a long few days, and I do exactly that. 


And not just feeling like I needed a nap, but I didn't guard my heart, and I let my thinking slide so far that by tonight, I was actually feeling like I deserved a reprieve from all this "spiritual stuff." I deserved to have some pleasure of my own. Can there be more selfish thinking?


Anyway, I was running, and the whole time I was fighting inside myself. I couldn't stare up at the beautiful moon because it reminded me of the God to whom I am accountable. I couldn't enjoy the beautiful shadows and the grass and the hum of the insects because I was focused on myself, on the fact that when I got back, I was going to get to watch a movie that I really shouldn't be watching. My heart was fighting; there was turmoil inside me so much that I could almost feel it. 


And then about halfway through my second mile, I literally could not take it anymore. A line kept rerunning through my head, something I said this morning when I preached: "There is nothing more detrimental to the cause of Christ than a hypocritical Christian." WHAT AM I DOING???
I stopped running, I must have stumbled a little bit, and I found myself on my knees, there in the middle of the gravel road. "Okay Lord, you win." 




I want to give of my best to the Master. And I can't do that when I'm keeping it for myself. Sin is anything that directs my focus onto myself. I'm going to need His help to stay focused on Him, but fortunately, He's given me everything I need. He's given me His word, His Spirit, and Himself, to commune with in prayer. 


Learn from my mistake, dear friend. In case you're wondering, I deleted that movie from my computer a few minutes ago, and I can't go back. I'm not going to go back. School starts back up in a week, and I want to begin it well, and make it a profitable year. There will be challenges, times when I'm tired, worn out, or just really don't want to keep giving. But I know that my strength comes from the Lord, and that reservoir will never run out. 


So Lord, bring me low as often as you need to. If I need to be brought low so that You can be lifted up, do it as often as need be. As You showed me in 2 Corinthians 5:15 today, Your love is what holds me together. 




I really don't know who reads this blog, but I'm praying that my testimony will encourage someone to make the right decision in something they have right now or soon. Really: I'm praying for you. Two verses later, in 5:17, Paul says that, "If anyone is in Christ, . . . old things are passed away, and behold, all things are becoming new!"


Sometimes I just have to get my big head out the way in order for that to happen. 

Counseling at JH Camp last week

Last week I was a counselor at Junior High camp up at IRBC in Clear Lake, IA. Let me tell you, it was an absolute blast, but it was also a learning curve, a new experience, and highly profitable. 


I'm used to seeking out people who are LIKE me to befriend for our mutual benefit, but last week I was given charge of 8 young guys who were very much not like me. Some were quiet, some were boisterous, some were shy, some were annoyingly forthright, and everything in between,  but they each came with their own set of circumstances and needs. They each needed to learn something about how to become like Christ, and they were definitely in 8 different levels of spiritual maturity. So I guess in that sense, I got a small taste of what it's going to be like trying to teach something to a congregation of people who are all on differing spiritual levels. 


I really love young guys at that age; they're old enough to have some maturation under their belt, and know that they are beginning to grow up, but they're still young enough to be really moldable and impressionable, and to not quite have the attitude problems that we all seem to get in the high school age. A couple of the guys in my cabin came back after the evening services under conviction that they weren't following the Lord's will in their lives, and both of them said that the Lord had been working on their hearts regarding the possibility of vocational ministry one day. As per their age, of course they didn't know for sure that they were being called there, but it really was amazing to see their hearts, open to what the Lord has for them. 


I remember when I was that age, going back after the service to Daniel Capon for counsel regarding my own problems, and for him to be there with another cabin was just cool. It sort of gave me a lurch in my stomach each time one of my guys would stand up to come back, knowing the weight of what my words to them could hold. But the Lord's grace is always there, and He gave some more of it each time to say what I believe those young men needed to hear. As I told each of them, the Lord doesn't ask for ability so much as He asks for availability. 


As for the rest of the week and its activities, I spent a lot of time doing different things with my group and a lot of time doing things either with my college friends or alone. I got to take the jet ski out 3 times, twice with one of my guys and once with Laura, my sister. Of course I went down the zip line and played all the games and went in the mud pit (which was gross, but well, ok, it's over), and I spent a fair bit of time down at the archery range with Job, but the most meaningful time of my day came just before the evening service. It always started at 8:15, but at 7:30 they had a time of prayer specifically for the service. I usually went a bit earlier than that and read a book for awhile, just to quiet down, then prayed with Pastor Earle from Harlan (who is the pastor of most of the guys in my cabin and was the evening speaker for the week), and finally prayed by myself for each of the guys in my cabin. I loved having the time set aside specifically for prayer, and I realize to a greater extent how necessary it is as a pastor. 


I loved the overall emphasis of the need to build our lives on a firm foundation, namely the Bible. It was cool how it worked out with what most of the guys said on their "information sheets" that they filled out for me. Most of them said some variation of "needing to read the bible" either more or deeper, in response to the question "What is your biggest spiritual need right now?" It made it really easy to tie everything together. 


All in all, it was a great week and I'm a little bit sad that I can't go back and counsel for Senior High, but such is life. I absolutely cannot believe that school starts back up in like 4 weeks from yesterday! Man oh man, where did the time go? It's been an insanely busy summer, but also a very profitable one, and I'm looking forward to being back at school in just a few short weeks, after two more weeks of work, two weeks of vacation, then preaching one last time (both services on the 14th!) and wow, back to the books! 

I want to die.

No, I personally don't, but I've read that statement more times than I wish was true. 

Sometimes when I'm bored, I surf the internet looking at sites related to MLIA, often with stories/snippets from peoples' lives. Sometimes they're funny, sometimes they're witty, but sometimes they're sad, and some of them make my heart ache. Like this one:

"I want to die. I refuse to sleep most nights because of the nightmares I have. My fake smiles have become so good that even the person who used to see through them can't tell anymore. Someone help me because I'm about to lose it. And everyone is too focused on their own problems to see it. "

I have no idea who wrote that. But I do know that somewhere, someone is hurting, and I desperately want to help them. I want to make a difference! 

I don't really care if I have famous accolades, drive a Lexus, write books, and have a name that everyone recognizes, but I want to make a difference in peoples' lives. 

How, oh how on earth do I do that the best? By faithfully plodding along in the task to which God has called me. 

I'm doing my internship this summer, as many of you know, at my home church in Carroll, IA. Each week Pastor and I get together and talk for about two hours, and during the course of one of our chats, we got to talking about difficulties a church has. After we talked about that subject for awhile, he leaned back and asked, with a hint of a smile, "So, do you still want to do this; be a pastor, that is?" I said to him, "I know that this is what God has called me to do, but to tell you the truth, it scares me to death. . . ."

"GOOD!" he replied almost before I had finished. "If you ever lose either one of those thoughts, it's time to look for another line of work." 

This is how I want to make a difference. By seeking to live with integrity and discernment, by loving people as they come my way, by preaching His powerful Word at every opportunity I'm given, and by faithfully serving as I see opportunity. 

Dear friend, find what God has called you to do. Then, don't lose focus on the goal; don't miss the forest for the trees, but don't miss the trees for the forest either, and put your all into your task, and God will richly bless. 

My W.I.L.D. trip.

I've heard it said that, "Apathy is the most powerful force in the universe."


And you know, I'm inclined to think that it's true. When someone loves you, and you don't care, does it really matter? When someone gives you ultimate grace in dying for you, and you don't care, does it really matter?


Two weeks ago my apathy was encompassingly pervasive. I felt like I felt nothing toward God. Yeah, I was still putting on a good show, but in my heart I was finding it extremely difficult to care. At all. Going to college at Faith is really good for teaching me a lot about God, but it's still my own responsibility to learn to know God, and I was pretty much failing at it. 


And then I went on a trip. To Canada, of all places. Ben Marx has been talking about it nonstop since he went last year, and I figured it would be really good for me to try as well. I figured that, at least, it couldn't hurt; at best it could change my life. And though it wasn't like a paradigm shift for me, it did provide the time to simply stop and reflect on my life, something that was terribly missing before. It gave me the time away from the cell phone and ipod and computer and people and stuff and stuff and more stuff. 


It went from Saturday the 14th to Friday the 20th of May. Saturday and Sunday were actually spent in class, learning a bunch of things to which I probably should have paid better attention. The taught us "the learning cycle" which I didn't really try to understand and a bunch of other smaller things that I had trouble caring about. Then came Monday morning! We traveled to Algonquin State Park in Ontario and put our canoes in the water and shoved off.


And thus began the most incredible five days of my life. I've had good experiences before, things that I will never forget, but those five days taught me things I don't think I could forget if I tried. I don't have time/space to go into them all here, nor do they all apply to people other than me, but I want to tell you of the one that really helped me the most. 
We canoed in for two days, which was a new experience for me, since you obviously can't canoe across land, so we had to carry the canoes on our shoulders, which is called portaging, which I actually used as an illustration in Sunday School this morning, but that's beside the point. The third day, Wednesday, we did this thing they call Solo Day, which is basically what it sounds like. 


Base camp was on the northern point of a peninsula jutting out into a huge lake. Three of us took a canoe and paddled across to the west about 1500 meters or so to a large island, and from there we went our separate directions, one near the canoe, one going south a bit, and I went north. I found this rock outcropping that was pretty much on the north edge of the island, separated by a small channel that I had to walk through. It was just a small island about 60 feet long and 30 feet wide. It was gorgeous!


I spent about eight hours there. No food, no distractions; just a water bottle and my bible and a notebook, sitting on a rock for eight hours. What to do, what to do?


I went up there knowing that my apathy was something that needed to change. I made it my goal for the week that I wanted to learn to love God, but I had no idea how that would take form. But I realized, sitting on that rock, a very simple truth. Love for God isn't something that just happens. Strange as it may seem that I hadn't thought of this before, it's true, and that simple truth is what God showed me. So what to do about it? Well, obviously if it doesn't just happen, I've got to be intentional about it. 


I used an illustration this morning about a tree that grows on a mountain. Those trees in the valley have all the others to help dissipate the wind of the storm, but the tree on the mountain has to grow strong or it dies, and the only way to grow strong is to be firmly rooted. Well, what are my roots in? Pretty sure that when they're in my own strength, my own discipline, my own pride, I'm not very strong, and looking back, that's exactly where they were. The only way I'm going to grow strong enough to handle the storms that God allows to come my way are if I grow in His strength. 


Yeah, yeah, that's a concept. Growing in God's strength. But how do I actually DO that? And that's what God helped me to see, sitting on that rock. True faith is active. True faith isn't just a concept. True faith isn't treating God as a grandpa to go visit every Sunday, which is what I've been doing for a very long time. True faith is active, being insatiably thirsty for God's word and God's presence. True faith, unfortunately though, is very hard to keep up. At least for me. 


So how do I keep being dissatisfied with where I am in my spiritual walk? How do I keep from becoming contented with where I am? It's only been two weeks, but it didn't take very long to see that my apathy isn't something that just gets erased because I sat on a rock in Canada and finally figured out a couple of things. I think it comes from not treating God as a concept, as an idea, but as the omnipresent being that he is. Not only is he here, with me, right now, but as David wrote in Psalm 139, the thoughts that he thinks toward us are more in number than the sand. Not just the sand of the sea, but of the sand, period. Like, of the planet. 


That's a lot. And since my God is a god of infinite love, every one of those thoughts has my good as its purpose. And here's what gets me: Romans 5:8. While I was a sinner, he died for me. And he still loves me, even when I take all that he's done for me and I throw it back in his face like so much crap. I don't like that word, but that's what I treat it like. But God... 


Has every day in the last two weeks been marked by upward spiritual growth, greater contentment in my God, deeper spiritual blessing in my devotion? Uhhhh, no. I'm still apathetic. But guess what? Being that tree on the mountain doesn't come in two weeks. It takes a lot of time to grow strong. But there's a way to speed up the process, isn't there?


Lord, I really don't like saying this, since You answer every time, but do what you need to to break the apathy of my heart. 


Bring on the storm...